Birthday Bitch

If someones your "friend" must u argue and fight with them all the time? Nawww probably not. I dont consider someone like that a true friend. yes we might disagree but ALL the time and over the most PETTY shit.. thats just crazy

heres the story

a "friend" and i werent talking because of some petty shit
we started conversing again ONLY BECAUSE something terrible happened to a mutual friend of ours. so within this week i guess we were on somewhat of good terms.
the following week was her birthday. She really didnt tell me much.. the night before her 21st. we were going out to celebrate she wanted to be in the club at midnight. plan FAILED. it was raining cats and monkeys outside and god was in heaven taking pictures.. so the club was no longer a go.. in my opinion .. long story short. i wasnt going.. she had her roommate call me from her phone and ask me to drive 20 minutes out of my way to get them and take them to the club basically so i can be their designated driver.. ummmmmm wdf do i look like a taxi cab. i said no.

next day (her actually bitch day)
i received a text saying be at the restaurant at 7pm.
okay cool. thats all i knew.
i went to the restaurant late about 8:40 ish. because i didnt plan on eating
plan failed again.. she wasnt there.
i call her. she has an attitude (hear it all in her voice) saying she wasnt there yet. its damn near 9.. so im like wdf.. glad i didnt show up at 7pm i woulda been mad.
she arrives ..doesnt speak.. im like okkay wdf.. her entourage is all dressed up.. im in jeans. so i clearly was out the loop. i ask so whats going on tonight. her friend says.. were going to some cigar bar afterwards.. yup still out the loop. im like ill pass. was supposed to go out with her.. but was like fuck it. dont wanna deal with attitudes i wanted to ENJOY my night. so i did.
we havent spoke in 2 maybe 3 weeks. its a never ending cycle of pettiness. ive been the bigger person on each occasion and called to squash the dumb shit.. but im over it. i dont even know why i wrote a blog about this shit. im watching a movie and the same situation kind of went on.. so i was like well i can understand.

moral of my story.. be careful who you call your friend. some people are genuine some arent.

i know this guy who knows this girl who knows this guy..

Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot, Text messages, Phone calls, aim, email, drive bys.. BASICALLY people have too much access to me these days. Lets go back to the message in a bottle days..

I can say how im feeling on here (blogger) because friends will take it out of context and run with it.. same for twitter.. i really dont put much on facebook anymore & i deactivated myspace months ago. our generation has gone technology crazy! i need a break from it all. i love twitter but its going to get old soon until something else pops up. but i've never been the type to hold back how i'm feeling.. no matter who it is..

Friends: (its seriously a word) it means nothing. Friends are there for that second and that moment. None have proved themselves to be life long. They come and go like the wind. I dont put anything past anyone anymore.. they are who they are and i am who i am. love it or leave it. Im just sick of the pettiness, the arguments, the bickering.. its all old. im sooo tired of it. i find myself drifting further and further away. it shouldnt be that way.. but it is. i trust very few. im down for being coo but lets not put labels on things, wdf is a "best"friend anyways. We are all sinners and will all do each other wrong somehow someway. im tired of the 3rd, 4th and 5th chances. its all old. people never change. shit maybe im the one who will never change. im running away from the negativity. so if your positive you will still be in my life.. if not (snip-snip) im cutting u out of it!

Thats how im feeling.. i've been doing alot of journal writing. ive been thinking about making my blog private. if u already follow me.. then coo. if u dont then u wont be able to see it. what do u think?

30 second venting post.

ugh so 'Dallas Austin" gets on my nerves.
*not the real dallas austin btw.*
its sad that the only way u can get me to see u is when i wanna smoke with you.
ugh ur lame as shit. askin my girl how much she pays for rent. my dude thats lame.
u mumble when u talk. u breath hard when u talk like ur fat and want a hostess snack.
you stare at me like im sex on the platter.. disgusting
the compliments are annoying.

ugh yeah im annoyed right now.
dont even wanna smoke his weed.

im coooooo. thanks alot Ashley Ashley.

and the same for Wayne.. he calls my bestfriend too ..on some lets smoke. cuz i wont answer my phone or spend time with him. but ill smoke ur shit. believe that.

.... god send me someone i actually like.. please.

Be Jealous.

I love DOWNTOWN Chicago so much. Its so much to do and see. (minus the $20.00+ parking any & everywhere you go) So the bestfriend Ashley J. and I had to drive 3 hours to Chicago to see Estelle and Solange in concert. Since no one hardly comes to Indianapolis. And it was A M A Z I N G! They both are great ass performers. We were like the first people in line (we were determined to be in the front) and we were front row center! Solange opened up for Estelle killing it in these beautiful open toed mulitcolored pumps(picture below) and a short, black and gold 3.1 mini Phillip Lim dress. I love the fact she went into the crowd and danced around with us. She's amazing and if your sleeping on her then shame on you! She did EVERY song on her album that i love. Would've Been The One, Cosmic Journey, T.O.N.Y., Sandcastle disco and a melody of her songs Chronic and God Given Name. She remixed that Devin the Dude song. it was hot. She definetly did her thing. Sound and looked amazing.
She left stage by throwing the mic stand into the crowd.. it was sooo funny. Especially since she ran off afterwards. (oh and we stole her water) haha. Groupies
Then Estelle came on.. rocking skin tight true religions, a white blazer and black top. Accessorized down with Chanel and black strappy gladiator pumps. She is a very personal and energetic performer. Her band including her three background singers were all men (i thought that was interesting) She was pulling fans on stage with her left and right. I love when artist do shit like that. Overall i had so much fun, it was worth the ride, money.. whateva.
Oh and shouts out to both Solange and Estelle for writing me on twitter. (so just made my day)

Oh and the House of Blues doesnt allow cameras.. (so we snuck them in by putting them in our shirts)
So enjoy. (no zoom)

I'm known to walk alone but im alone for a reason

Why do we ask how are one another doing, when we really don't give a damn? We have trained ourselves to say, "I'm okay, How are you?" Knowing 5 minutes ago we were just crying or cussing someone the hell out. I feel like im lying everytime i subconsciously say, "I'm Fine." So why do we all pretend to be fine knowing that were not?

Personally my life is at a stand still as if I'm fighting against the time. I often get in these moods where I want to be alone, NO phone calls or human interaction period. Ashley said they are my i hate the world moods. But its not really that b/c I'm NOT depressed or mad. I cant really explain it. Like Monica said, "Its just one of them days" But i have those days too often. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. I'm just here wasting space. If something serious happened to me, i dont think it would severely effect anyone. Yeah a couple of people would make R.I.P. shirts but after a week or two life would go on and i would be forgotten (even by my parents) Is that weird? I don't have suicidal thoughts (anymore) but often I feel as if I'm just here wasting space. Is this normal to think/feel this way?

And when it comes to love i wonder if i've done something awful in my past lifetime? Or is love avoiding me? Yes there are people who like me, but i'm not attracted to them physically, or mentally. So why play games and pretend to when i don't? No i'm not searching for LOVE.. maybe i should of said LIKE. I just feel like its {love/like} is hiding from me or maybe i'm the one avoiding love?

Oh and on Saturday aka anti-valentines day. it was just that "He" didnt call me, text me, nothing. so i have officially put all thoughts and feelings about "Free" in a box and buried it deep. Thats that. I plan on never blogging about him or using any reference to him. ughhh dumb nigga. I dont even want to be "coo" its pointless.


REASON 274682383 WHY I HATE FACEBOOK!!!!
I hate when random guys inbox me or facebook chat me like its a dating service. yuck.. your a lame. My friend Teryn said, "I think technology is ruining chivalry. Facebook, Text Messaging, Myspace. No one can really get to know someone now days." So true. Im going to delete my facebook & myspace before i move to Atlanta. Theres no point in having it. I mean honestly I use the excuse of saying its to keep in touch w/ people. But i don't even like the majority of the people on there, so why lie to myself? I'm too lowkey to let everyone know everything thats going on in my life via facebook status and albums. I have a love/hate relationship with Crackbook.

You know how some girls say they are bored in their relationships b/c the guy is too nice and theres nothing to argue with him about? Well i feel like that with life in general. Not that i need a guy to define me. But theres nothing spontaneous and exciting going on. Nothing to really look forward to. And i guess thats why im so bored. I dont even want to shop. Theres no where to wear the clothes. okay i lied. i can always shop lol Well i guess i just feel alone in the world. Guess thats apart of life. Its so easy to talk about the negative then the positive and its something i need to work on.

you shoulda hit him with ya umbrella- ella ella .

I feel so under the weather right now.
Its warmed up so much here. i didnt wear heavy coat today or yesterday.. but like right now
I feel like pure shit. and it came outta no where man. my head is throbbing, my stomach hurts, i feel like im about to throw up. (i tried to make myself throw up) but nothing came up.

Ugh i hope this does not mean im about to get sick. i hardly get sick but when i do.. they go hard. they last for a good month.

seein that i cant pop pills.. im about to drown my sorrows with some nightquil. (yuckie)

Salene still wants me to ride with her to Alabama on Friday. I hope i feel up to parr.

Im thinking about doing a weekly v-log. i know my girls dopefiend and dopeness do them all the time. im thinking about doing a t.g.i.f v-log. only if i have time. i tried doing a vlog and started laughing at myself. It was weird talking to a camera. Idk why.. i swear i talk to myself out loud ALL THE TIME.
What do you think?

OH and to my dear friend Velly Velle where the hell are you?? U havent updated in forever.

Borderline Suspect.

Yall know im scattered brained... I jump subject to subject (when i talk)


FRESH FACES....
The last guy i was talking about.. he is super annoying. Told yall it would last 3 days. I met a some guys last weekend. One from Atlanta, One from NY and one from freaking MIAMI. wdf? Maybe i should just move there. Okay maybe not. (that would be stupid) But we talked today. He's super funny. Met him in Atlanta. He's like shawty come back, I'll buy u a ticket. Yeah sure you will, and im sure you would want something in return. But the one from Atl.. He's really really nice.. borderline suspect.
I was reading Ambers post about how guys are basically a waste of time. I feel you girl. But im not looking for a relationship. Just entertainment.. a friend. I dont want to be tied down. Yeah i might say, "I want a boyfriend." But dont take me serious. Im just talking.

Blogging...
Im not posting again until Thursday. (It will be a picture post of last weekend.) I'll play catch up for awhile. (reading blogs) Plus im finishing this layout.

I have alot to do these up coming weeks (my sisters wedding is coming up.) I hate when my paychecks are spent before i can even touch them. I gotta do all this shit for other people. I need a spa day for myself. Oh and Bombchell. i cant wait to move to Atl. That trip made me even more excited. Swear.


FRIENDS
I think its better to have a couple of friends then a handfull of FAKE ones.
I swear i have the worse luck with friends. (girls) Cant stand em. I really dont care at the end..
...And another one bites the dust

Guess I’ll see you next Lifetime…

Is it a limit on friendships? Is “best friends forever really forever?” How long is forever? I talked to an old high school friend yesterday at work. She asked was me and one of my old best friends still friends. I looked at her and said no. She was so confused and needed some kind of explanation. I didn’t have one to give her. The friend she is talking about was my bff for 11 years. That’s damn near all my life. We always attended the same schools 3rd-senior yr in high school. Is that the reasoning our friendship couldn’t hold up? Is it because we were no longer obligated to see one another in school? It baffles me because when we went off to school we never talked. Like not once a month type talk, but never. I would call her and she wouldn’t answer or would give me excuse after excuse. So I said eff it and left her alone. I hate being the bigger person. Im tired of calling people first. Seriously if were friends it’s a two way street. Why must I make the first move. Allll the time. I feel like when people get older that drift apart. We change. Sometimes when you hold on to past relationships (friendships) they hold on to how you used to act. If you change they cant accept it. They judge you the most. I saw her NYE and we didn’t say a word to each other. Its weird but im okay with it. Why be fake. I love her and care for her but being friends seems so fake.
The girl I was talking to said she was no longer best friends with her bff from elementary - to high school either. She seemed so upset and so hurt. I could tell that she wanted to be friends with the girl still. I told her were no longer in high school, were grown. Sometimes not talking so much gives us space to grow and learn. If your meant to be friends then you’ll always be friends.

So I guess I’ll see you next lifetime.

I feel like a lost soul floating like a balloon.

At the very second i have ne-yo's (don't fall in love) song on repeat. LISTEN HERE
This song does something to me. I can hear him telling me this. And I'm just looking at him with that "nigga you must not know bout me" face. I was thee QUEEN of never falling in love and letting emotions get in the way. But i ate my words and fell... HARD. I'm just now getting back up. I think i messed alot of that up. i tried to act all coo like nothing mattered.. then out of no where i got all pissed and started asking all kind of questions, showing that i was catching feelings.. then he told me he didn't want to be with me. gave me some dumb ass excuse... and at that moment i knew i fell. It took forever for me to ever face that fact. This song just brings back memories that i tried to hide behind makeup. but shit it hurts listening to this song. yet i cant stop listening.

Well any who. Happy 09 bitches! I wish you all a year of growth, love, hope and change.

My sister's boyfriend proposed to her on New Years Eve. It was the cutest thing ever. I love those two. They make you want to find you better half. I'm so happy for her.. And i actually like him. He is a real coo person.

I bought the new year in with one of bff's ShaMarla and Teryn. It was random but fun. I got drunk fast as hell. (Svedka, Date Rape, Wine, Hennessey and blunts) I remember i kept dropping my phone and i called or texted like everyone in my phone. My mom said i called her drunk (which I've NEVER done that) it was kind of funny i suppose. Then i went to the bars with ShaMarla and her cousin Tiara. I saw so many ppl from high school. My ex bff was there. We didn't say a word to each other. It was kind of weird but whatever. Oh and the girl i said was a blog stalker was there as well. I didn't say anything to her either. lol. I hate being fake. Whats the point. If i don't like you. Shit i dont like you. But It was bittersweet. I WAS supposed to go to Atl for NYE but i didn't go b/c of some miscommunication. Now i guess Ashley is mad or whatever. But she still went. Good for her. Hope she had fun. its funny though because i know she was saying all kinds of negative shit about me on the ride down. lol But that's life..right? We haven't been talking like we normally do. But im busy reading books to understand life.. She's my bff and all but sometimes you just need a break from people you know.

My news years resolution.. hmm i really didn't make one. i just made promises to myself. I recorded my new years resolution that i made for 2008 and i actually accomplished alot of the things i set out for myself. This year is kind of easy. Its all about me. Being selfishness at its finest. I don't care anymore. I'm not holding anything back. Not sparing anyones feelings. No one else does.. so why should I? Im keeping alot to myself, it seems like every time i say I'm doing something or want something someone ALWAYS tries to beat me to it. But on the bright side. I'll be back enrolled in college and living in HotLanta real soon.

I thought of this really cool tattoo idea. I told my friend about it. She liked it too. I wrote the looooongest blog about it but it wouldn't post. so i will try later.

Well i hope you guys like the new layout. Its plain yet to the point. That's what i wanted. i have a second option. But I'll try this one out for awhile.

Well i hope you all had a great, drunk new years. i wish u all the best. peace.

09 is not your time to shine! ..its mine

Isn't a cell phone supposed to be answered when u actually feel like answering it? ...hmm yeah thought so. Sorry if i havent been answering my phone. I've just been in my own world, dealing with my own issues and being me.

And im beyond irritated. im in my delete facebook mood. All these status about how 09 is their year, 09 is my time to shine, 08 was great but 09 is mine. ughh shut the fuckkkk up! no its not. 08 ,07 and 06 wasnt. so why do u think 09 will be any better?? i hate facebook. i just get on it on my phone when im at work bored or around people who aren't entertaining.

I chatted with the ex yesterday. It was very interesting. I wasnt sure if he was saying he wants to be with me (relationship wise) or were just coolin out. He was like aww you leaving in June to move to ATL. Im not sure how this is going to work. I was like huh? How what is going to work? I guess I give off some kind of FALSE signals to males and to make them believe i like them. When i dont. Im an asshole and really mean and nonchalant. But idk if they think im flirting or what.. but i swear im not.

I think im going to get inked up this up coming weekend.. on my lonesome.
I know all the tattoos i want. I was going to wait and save a little more so i could get like 3 at the same time.. but i suck at saving money!

Well nothing new is really going on in my life. Im just spending time with myself and loving myself. Its fun. you should try.

Well if i dont blog again.. Happy New Years! I wont be doing anything. I WAS going out of town but im cooo. My sister keeps begging me to go to church with her and i really hate going to church but i might give in. I have to work New Years Eve anyways but i heard we might go home early. If so.. who knows. I might be at the bar by myself drunk. lol

oh and ps. i think im about to do a layout change. what colors should i choose? Hmmm.

pss. I gave my number to a really cute guy. I have no idea was his nationality was but he was making me laugh. We shall see.

okay forreal. Byeee.

don't be lookin at me like i aint wearin no drawls

i feel like a charity case. im the single friend that my friends guy friends try to hook me up with. since when? i used to play cupid.. the match maker. Now im getting hooked up? So not cool! Okay well anyways one of my bffs her dude called me today to hook me up with his friend. i was offended at first, then was like what the hell why not. And he is muy caliente! i was sooooo nervous b/c im not with the whole meeting strangers thing, but he was so nice. Dude shook my hand. He's (Pakastain-in)
my family already thinks im weird.. so i just gave 'em one more reason to say it. So he's potential (cross ur fingers)

oh i got my ear pierced this past wknd. i forgot what its called so i'll post a pic later. i want 2 tattoos next wknd too. (my x~mas present to myself) cant wait. and YES KB i thought and researched every permanet thing i ever do. pix soon.

oh i got a new phone too. i LoVe LOvE LOVe it!! its the touch diamond by sprint.

oh i just watched Cadillac Records. lol @ Bey. i cant take her serious cussin or acting. Mos Def <-- i love that man. Movie was good, its crazy how it was back in the day. i wouldnt have survived. But Beyonce KILLS the songs. And i want the soundtrack. im a sucker for musicals and movies about bands. I was like 15 when i realized the 5 heartbeats wasn't a real band lol. but the jackson 5 (the american dream),the temprations movie, dreamgirls, ray.. all that i love those movies.

so this is really bothering me.. this chick SHE knows who she is.. she CLEARLY reads our blogs and even those ppl in my blog roll. its not a problem seeing that we had a link to the-jezebels on facebook. but she is ALL OF A SUDDEN commenting on the blogs of those we read, but doesn't say a word on ours.. so this is my shout out to u Miss Lady.. we see u lol

dear santa,
i wanna go ice skating
i want a record player
i want my dads car
i want the sex in the city collection
i want some chanel earrings
i want some burberry and chanel perfume
i want a cute watch
i want a cute leather coat
i want some stripper boots
i want some uggs
and i want a boo.
xoxo JD
yeah so x~mas is next week and im sooooo not ready for it. Christmas usually is my fav. holiday but im too lazy to shop for ppl. i dont care this year.


well thats all of my randomness.. Later

its been a long time coming

omg im so sorry i really have been busy. believe it or not ive still been keeping up with everyones blogs i normally read. this job i have doesnt allow me much time to do a thng. i be soooo tiree yall. my life has done a 360 when it comes to friends. im drifting further away from my ''childhood'' friends. ppl have been showing their true colors. one of them just had a baby. its 4 of us who have been friends forever and not only did she not let us (me and blackbarbie) be god mamas, t.t.'s none of that but she didnt even call to tell us she had her baby. im not going to lie that shit hurt but its her lost. another friend is so effin petty it makes no sense. im so tired of bein the bigger person. id rather not deal with it. yes its worth it and yes ive thought about it. im good its just sad things have really come to this. thats life huh

I hate being responsible.

i gave up my ticket to the usher concert (which was tonight in Chicago) to do guess what yall--->>> (WORK!!!!!!!!!!) 0MG! isnt that crazy. i was telling everyone tonight at work and they all gave me these crazy looks. haha. but im in training right now and if i miss it its a wrap. i can kiss the job goodbye. i hate being grown up and having to make real decisions. im so jealous and i know my bff (the black barbie) was pissed, but she better have fun seeing her love USHER! im sorry girl. i'll make it up i swear.

i hate doing all this soul searching.. especially when you search for answers and you still dont know. questions like whats my purpose? i dont have any kids, no boyfriend, im not in school (not by choice), and im not having fun with my life. so i just ask why am i here. not that i would EVERRRRRRRRR consider taking my life but it sucks living life and waking up with nothing to look forward to but the time passing away. anyone else ever feel that way?

i really feel like i need some new friends, (nothings wrong with the 3 i have) S-Dot lives in Kentucky, Black Barbie lives about an hour away and bf Ashley-Ashley works two jobs and its a done deal with us doing anything. So you can kind of see where the line of boredom can fall into place.
I just wanna travel and see the world. Venture out and do new things, meet new people, be in new places. But its easier said than done.
Somedays are good, some are bad. Todays just bad.

Oh Em Gee.

It's a Friday night and guess what i'm doing. BLOGGING!
Damn i have no life. One of my guy friends "S" who likes me but is so fucking annoying just called trying to cake. Heres the convo:
JD: (deep breath) Hello
S:Hey
JD: Umm. Hey
S:You at the crib
JD: yeah why
S: Im about to come over.
JD: Ugh are you? (sarcasm)
S: Yeah.. what i cant?
JD: Naw im about to leave (lying)
S: Damn i cant come and say hello
JD: FOR WHAT if im about to leave?
The poor guy just kept begging.. but i don't give in to shit like that. One of my homegirls "ShaQuana" just called me asking if i wanted to go blow one and go cosmic bowling. Im considering it. Lord knows i need a job and i cant be trying to take other peoples pee to the place to take a drug test again. That shit was disgusting. I had my cousin pee in this baggie. and the shit leaked all in my pants AND IT STUNK! my stomach is super weak so i was gagging. But i learned a trick. For you weed smokers.. if u put a itty pity drop of bleach in your pee it would come out clean. It worked for me. But im not even a smoker. i will every blue moon. So dont get it twisted. But back to me being bored. This shit is for the birds. Well i'm out. Facebook i shall go.

Don't call it a come back..

Wow. I havent blogged in forever. Sorry. The internet connection in my house wasn’t working. (that’s why) But don't call it a come back. I will be posting more often.
So lets play catch up... No i didnt run off and get married to the mailman.. Why?? Because he was undeniably a effin stand in. The next day I waited of course and some old ass black man came walking up grinning. I just rolled my eyes. I hate when old men try to hit on me. Its fuckin disgusting. Im pretty sure you have a niece, daughter.. fuck that probably a granddaughter my age. But anyways I was super mad.
Being broke aint no joke. My job search is still a job search. Lol just cross your fingers for me because i have to get the grind.
I’ve been going out like a crazed woman. Techno Clubs, Chilled spots (lounges) hip hop clubs.. Just clubbin. Hell I’m 21. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not really one to give my number out in the club, because I’m a club sipper and you all know liquor makes everyone look better.. So no new boo alerts.

Classic was Hmmmm. Dunno what to say about it. I went out the entire weekend. I had an okay time. I really hate going out with a bunch of girls because that usually equals a bunch of attitudes {super annoying} But one of the nights we went out we ran into Brian McKnight and Mike Epps at the club. (funny story) Brian McKnight was hitting on my bff The Black Barbie. It was hella funny. We took some pictures with him. (Real Groupie-ish)

I was super sad because I thought my brother James and my cousins would be in town but they didn’t come. So it kinda took away from the excitement. But I still saw a few of my homeboys from school.
Exciting news so today my BFF The Black Barbie just called me talking about to Usher concert. She is in LOVE with that man. So we will be there in November (in the Chi) We ♥ the Chi by the way. So it will be great times. Can't wait! I will make sure she will meet him. She must! lol Hopefully while we are there we can run into Common if he's not caking with Serena.. or hell kick it with Uncle Ye. That would be lovely.. just a thought.

Well i'm back bitches. So comment and come back tomorrow. I will post. I promise.

Football Groupie?

Okay so this blog is super random. But all but one my best friends shitted on me for my birthday. (shitted on me=stood me up lol) One in particular had me really pissed. But im over it. My birthday was a week ago. She was broke. I cant be mad at her for that. Who am I to tell anyone how to spend their money.. Ne who. So I really havent talked to her like that since then. I’ve really been by myself. Focusing on me. Trying to find a damn job. I been chillin with fam really. This whole friend thing had me questioning a lot. Its coo tho. When birthdays roll around next year I will be incognito TRUST. (NEVERMiND I'M NOT THAT PETTY!)
Anywho so when I talked to her again. I lied my ass off to her. She basically thought I went to Monday night football and got with a Colts football player. "♥Reggie Wayne♥"

reggie is to the left. bob sanders fine ass is the the rt.

I been telling her im dippin off with him.. Real late at night & doing the grown folk. Of course she was hella excited cuz I been on a loooong drought. Sexless... I shall say. Believe it or not we get excited for each other when we get some. Haha. Weird right. So I lied to her and it was a REAL good lie. I gave her details and everything. She started asking questions about him and i really didnt know the answers. So i was just brushing her off and saying, "Well we didnt talk about all that.. it is what it is." She was calling me a baby whore. So I finally told her I was lying and we laughed sooo hard and for sooo long. (one of those i cant breathe laughs)
Its so hard for me to be mad at people. Especially when its dumb. But if my feelings get hurt (rarely) or I feel like someone is doing me wrong I am quick to chuck the deuces. People need to understand I am one of a effin kind. I am a great friend. A great supporter. Great listener. If you deserve my time then i will be there. If not. Eff you. So that’s how I been feelin. No one understands me. No one.


Question: how can one have so many friends but still feel all alone?

IS ORGiNALiTY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Where is a little.. Innovation, novelty, uniqueness, inventiveness, creativity, freshness, imagination.. Get the picture. Can you find your own light through the tunnel without using someone else’s flashlight?

HMmmMMm? Question?

Question: How will you ever fall in love if your afraid of it?

My ex boyfriend and i were talking lastnight. Were actually really good friends now. We dated a few months in college and i broke up with him because i started liking him too much. Crazy?? i know but thats me. i hate getting close to ppl and showing i'm vunerable. when and if i do ..i run away. He HATED me for a while. but got over it. now were super close friends. im like that with the majority of my ex boyfriends. Anywho. He asked me that question lastnight and i seriously was at a lost for words. (that never really happens) but "the cat caught my tounge" hmM. so what do u think?

Birthday fun.. haha nope

hey bitches..
sorry i havent blogged in days... i just havent been in the mood. anywho.. about my big day. 9.12. =birthday.. hmMMm lets see besides dinner it [my new hair cut revealed]
pretty much sucked. it rained from 9.11 - 9.13.
people backed out at the last minute... so the atlanta trip was cancelled. Chicago.. wasnt fun at all. so thats basically it. if i didnt have an attitude. i was close to having one. all i did was waste money. $$$$$$$$$$$
thats my b.day wrap up. i damn near need new friends. lol

im really anticipating classic. hopefully it will be enjoyable. no rain, or snow (indiana weather is crazy)

ive been talking to [mister c] again. i cant let go. i dunno why. its super hard. but im happy where we are at. our relationship is super weird and cant be discribed in any way shape or form.. but i like it this way. I like being friends.

i met someone new but he is mad annoying ALREADY.
i dont understand why guys call as soon as i give them my number.
ughhhh thirsty! all he does is text and call me. its tooo much. too soon.

im over everything.. everyone.. im seriously on some solo stuff.
getting my thoughts together.

leave me be.

DAMAGED

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

So I have had the worse/ best September so far. Yeah its only the 2nd day.. But I’m 10 days closer to my birthday.. And I finally found my ex lover boy. OMG I was sooooooooo in love with him in high school. He claims it was my fault we stopped talking, but I know that was a lie… then again.. Did I realy go to Alabama and act that brand new? I know I was talking to one my of my ex boyfriends too and I all of a sudden I stopped talking to him once I went off to school. Did i really hate Indianapolis that much that I abandoned all that I knew? Did i forget where i came from?
I know I didnt just stop talking to my old lover boy because he so different. He was perfect to me. My perfect male. He is truly candy to the eye and I love his laid back persona. He is a little ruff around the edges but that gives you individuality..right? Anywho my best friend ShaMarla just happened to be in a club in all the way in Louisville, Kentucky (which she doesn’t even go to school in Louisville she goes to school in Frankfort) and just so happened to run into him. She texted me and I eagerly asked her to find him. I haven’t talked to him in about 3 years. We both change our phone numbers all the time and he keeps to himself so it was no way I could get his number any other way. So to make this story short. She found him and he got back in town from Kentucky today and called me. So of course we met up. I was so tense. Its been 3 years all I could do was anxiously ask myself ludicrous questions like, “ Did he get fat? Was he dusty? Could he possibly no longer be my lover boy.” All those questions were knocked at the park when he got out the car looking “Wine Fine“ as Lil Wayne would say! I was on cloud 9. So we started playing catch up and this guy tells me he doesn’t even reside in Indianapolis anymore, he moved. My little heart was crushed. I asked a host of questions in a row before he could come close to answer one of them. “What are you doing here? When are you leaving? Arizona? Who the hell moves to Arizona? OMG What was the point of even seeing you?” He just looked at me. Gave me this devious smile and said calm down. Basically he is here for ONE more day. Yes I repeat ONE. I am so sad. Its very bittersweet. He said he would come back and visit but that’s bull. As much as I keep talking about I need a new male friend and how I hate meeting new guys.. This was perfect timing. Well PRACTICALLY. Sometimes I wonder if I did something immoral, because this has been the most awful year ever for me in every aspect of life. It seems like I can never win no matter what I do. I know I can be a tab bit dramatic sometimes, but this is a big deal. Lol

I was talking to Ashley the other night and we were talking about how neither one us give guys a chance. She mad a great point. We both hate Indiana so bad that no matter the circumstances we will never talk to an Indiana guy just because he is from here. Sounds crazy right? But it is sadly true. I hate meeting guys from here because although Indianapolis isn’t a city -- its not a large on either. You always will know one or two mutual people. And that itself can be a turn off. If your not in school I just automatically think you have hella baggage (kids, crazy ex girlfriends, in trouble with the law) or if your working its usually not a good job. I can think of tons of excuses to not talk to guys here and all I’m doing is setting myself up to be melancholic. I feel like I’m contradicting myself sometimes though. But when you go away to school and everyone is there attempting to pursue their dreams that in itself is attractive in a weird kind of way. Its just funny the way life works. My state of happiness is no where near fulfilled. I hate being all depressed and sad but I have no choice lately. Every time I take one step in progressing I’m knocked back three more. Ugh LIFE!