and my head keeps spinnin..cant stop having these visions

n-word #1 wont STOP CALLING. im honestly annoyed he doesnt want diddly squat. USUALLY i would be geeked but im over him
n-word #2 wont STOP CALLIN PAST 2am! the DISRESPECT. it aint shit open that late except whitecastles and legs. pure fuckery...he has me all types of fucked up right now. calling @4am talkin about he's about to come get me NEGRO PLEASE! the d isnt THAT GOOD

:/
my laptop is broken
my pockets are broken = im broke
LIFE IS BORING.. i dont like any guy... this sux
thinkin about bartending school. its a couple weeks (i heard) thinking about becoming a sugarbaby i NEED a sugardaddy lol
oh and i HATE FLO-RIDA! the rapper not the state. i get annoyed when his songs are played.
i wanna cut my hair &
get lots of tattoos

okay im being random

over and out blog world
oh & everyone with twitter leave ur twit names here so i can folllow u. im addicted twitter.com/sincerelyamber

later suckas

And then I told him I said it's cool, get at me. And then my voice got raaaspy.

So he called. My dumb ass answered. Not on purpose though i swear. I was on the phone with one of my other male friends. I have a touch phone and my big ass cheeks always hit the end button. So without looking at the caller id [for some reason they had the same ringer] i answered it saying,
Me: "what up niiiga."
male: "huh?? nigga?"
[looking at caller id, feeling stupid but playing it off]
me: yeah nigga. i told u i was hood. lol.
Free: lol your silly. So i know u seen i called you yesterday
me: yeah. i saw it
Free: So why didnt u call me back then niiigga. i kinda missed you.
me: Either u miss me or u dont. u cant kinda miss me
Free: shut up ass hole. So why didnt u call me back
Me: i was busy dang. why u sweatin me.
Free: Shut up. So are u still coming here?
*i was supposed to go to his city this month for my bff's 21st and i mentioned it to him*
Me: yeah. [lying]
Free: oh yeah when.
Me: Two weeks.
Free: Thats coo. ugh i'll still be here.
Me: ugh where else would u be
Free: shut up. what u doin
Me: nothing laying in my bed watchin tv. its cold as shit out
Free: hell yeah here too
Me: nigga its atleast 50 there shut up
Free: yeah but thats cold to me. But im going to call u when i get off. im on break
[thinking: why are u calling me on your break]
Me: aight bye.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why why why. why did i answer.fuck shit damn fuck!!!!
And i lied to him for no apparent reason. Im not going to Miami. I'll be in Atlanta.
okay when he calls back i wont answer it.. promise!

Should of listened the first time when Eve told me that love was blind

So Free called me yesterday, Twice actually. And he texted me. I was at work so i couldn't answer or respond. I told him what time i got off. But once i was off. I played a personal tug-of-war with myself on rather i should reply. I told myself, Self "this year you cant deal with him" I've been going semi-strong. I really don't think about him unless someone else brings him up, or someone tells a story that i can relate to. But any who I didn't call him or text him back so kudos to me. (This is how i feel about him. Its an old poem i wrote when i was pissed.)

I Gotta Get Free
Failed relationships commitment issues.
I need permission for me to love you.
Labels and lies from ex lovers has got you in a frenzy.
said that’s the reason why you cant be with me.
What kind of shit is that?
Got me up stressing smoking all tweets cigarettes.
Lonely souls compatible.
karma recycling on my heart.
Id rather be lovers than strangers
but u’d rather let us stray apart
I used to love him I thought what we had was true
that’s the reason I'm always confused and don’t know what to do
Was he my lover? Technically no.
partners of love making, minds collaborate while challenging each others egos.
Cycles of indecisiveness, Medusa like hearts
Just Heavy
holding on to past failures. Now this is the result
Your peace mentality was enclosed until you met me.
Now your FREE. You said you can't breath when your without me.
don’t talk just listen cuz this is my moment of clarity

Whirlpools of emotions got me fucked up in the mind.
Should of listened the first time when Eve told me that love was blind.
So where do we go. Cuz I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere.
I'm convinced love hates me. I was never a fan of its words.
I knew one day this time would come and my heart would be cursed.
I gave it my all. Patience and my integrity
speaking all these words of pain that’s been heavy on my brain
I wish you could feel it.
See it.
Shit hear it.
I'm telling you. I fell hard although I said I wouldn't
Guess you cant control what destined to be.
..guess I was destined to get hurt and you were destined to cheat.
Needless to say. The history we once shared is now all a waste.
Cuz like Aalyiah I wonder how could the one I gave my heart to just let it break
But my cheeks will be stained from these toxic tears I cried.
You said the last thing you wanted to do was hurt me.
Check mark . task has been complete.
You hurt me soul.
you was my everything man. my personal talib kweli
i gave you everything. now I'm left with nothing.
broken dreams. empty emotions. and questions left unanswered that i have to seek
I'm left with these streaks of confusion stained on my cheeks.
I gotta get free.

If it wasn't for "HE"

Last night was one of those nights. All i wanted to do was be up under "Free"
No make up on my face, hair in a pony tail w/ my glasses on.. just laying around in his oversized tshirt and sweat pants. I just miss his smile. His sarcasm. His touch. His kiss. I miss us. its so weird for me to even speak of Fred. Sometimes when my friends and i are talking about past relationships/ failures i'll stop because i think i'm talking about him too much. He can call me and I still get those tingly butterflies in the pit of my stomach. We had that, "I did you wrong..you did me wrong, i'll take you back..you take me back" kind of relationships. But the crazy thing is it openly worked for us. I was never looking for Mr. Right (hell i'm only 21) but he was my Mr. Then. I didnt even deserve any better because i was doing the same shit he was doing (just better) because i had a slicker approach. Hell i'll take that back.. he caught me a few times caking it up with guys. I never saw him with another girl but i wasnt stupid. He left evidence around his apartment (dumb ass) But for the most part we were honest with each other. There were no lies. We didnt ask questions that we didnt want to know the answer to. We barely argued.. if we did it was because we were intoxicated at a party or something. but we would just later have make up sex and everything would be better. (haha) Love isnt my forte. But i did love him.. just wasn't in love with him. I think you can love anyone because love is merely just caring and showing affection towards another person. But being in love is something way beyond me. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically you have to make a connection with a person. I have not found that nor really looking for that right now. But i really feel that out of all the guys i "strongly liked" (only about 3 in total) he had the most potential. I miss it. That damn 4 am blues.

DAMAGED

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

So I have had the worse/ best September so far. Yeah its only the 2nd day.. But I’m 10 days closer to my birthday.. And I finally found my ex lover boy. OMG I was sooooooooo in love with him in high school. He claims it was my fault we stopped talking, but I know that was a lie… then again.. Did I realy go to Alabama and act that brand new? I know I was talking to one my of my ex boyfriends too and I all of a sudden I stopped talking to him once I went off to school. Did i really hate Indianapolis that much that I abandoned all that I knew? Did i forget where i came from?
I know I didnt just stop talking to my old lover boy because he so different. He was perfect to me. My perfect male. He is truly candy to the eye and I love his laid back persona. He is a little ruff around the edges but that gives you individuality..right? Anywho my best friend ShaMarla just happened to be in a club in all the way in Louisville, Kentucky (which she doesn’t even go to school in Louisville she goes to school in Frankfort) and just so happened to run into him. She texted me and I eagerly asked her to find him. I haven’t talked to him in about 3 years. We both change our phone numbers all the time and he keeps to himself so it was no way I could get his number any other way. So to make this story short. She found him and he got back in town from Kentucky today and called me. So of course we met up. I was so tense. Its been 3 years all I could do was anxiously ask myself ludicrous questions like, “ Did he get fat? Was he dusty? Could he possibly no longer be my lover boy.” All those questions were knocked at the park when he got out the car looking “Wine Fine“ as Lil Wayne would say! I was on cloud 9. So we started playing catch up and this guy tells me he doesn’t even reside in Indianapolis anymore, he moved. My little heart was crushed. I asked a host of questions in a row before he could come close to answer one of them. “What are you doing here? When are you leaving? Arizona? Who the hell moves to Arizona? OMG What was the point of even seeing you?” He just looked at me. Gave me this devious smile and said calm down. Basically he is here for ONE more day. Yes I repeat ONE. I am so sad. Its very bittersweet. He said he would come back and visit but that’s bull. As much as I keep talking about I need a new male friend and how I hate meeting new guys.. This was perfect timing. Well PRACTICALLY. Sometimes I wonder if I did something immoral, because this has been the most awful year ever for me in every aspect of life. It seems like I can never win no matter what I do. I know I can be a tab bit dramatic sometimes, but this is a big deal. Lol

I was talking to Ashley the other night and we were talking about how neither one us give guys a chance. She mad a great point. We both hate Indiana so bad that no matter the circumstances we will never talk to an Indiana guy just because he is from here. Sounds crazy right? But it is sadly true. I hate meeting guys from here because although Indianapolis isn’t a city -- its not a large on either. You always will know one or two mutual people. And that itself can be a turn off. If your not in school I just automatically think you have hella baggage (kids, crazy ex girlfriends, in trouble with the law) or if your working its usually not a good job. I can think of tons of excuses to not talk to guys here and all I’m doing is setting myself up to be melancholic. I feel like I’m contradicting myself sometimes though. But when you go away to school and everyone is there attempting to pursue their dreams that in itself is attractive in a weird kind of way. Its just funny the way life works. My state of happiness is no where near fulfilled. I hate being all depressed and sad but I have no choice lately. Every time I take one step in progressing I’m knocked back three more. Ugh LIFE!

torn in between the two..

..
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.” Unknown

here i go again like Trina said. Im still torn in between the two like letoya.. but im ready for love like india.. but this one may have to wait until my next lifetime like erykah.. why is it no matter how many faces i can put in his place .. one simple text message can make him seem like prince charming. he can simply text hey and i'll be on a natural high. ugh this really makes no sense what-so-ever... ughhh lord please let me get over this dude. (switch roles) i honestly think he cares.. but his head isnt in it like mine was. the funny thing is it started off that way. it was him who tried to talk to me. i wasnt feeling him. haha. i just wish i could wake up and all our memories we had together were erased. like i got amnesia and he never existed. sounds far fetched but im serious!
** random** my ex called AGAIN last night. sayin hey.. {i was sleep} he asked when can he accidently run into me again. i dont understand. we havent been together in 4 years! havent seen him in 2. he has a girlfriend and a baby. what the hell does he think we about to be. he better kick boulders.
** im mad tired today. i just wanna crawl in my bed, watch a movie and sleep. lol seriously. but its way too pretty and hot outside. sleep is the cousin of death. i gotta live.

well peace and love people until next time!