You're not even worth a title.

I was happy. 
Well I thought I was.
I was really growing to like someone. I actually loved him.
I was not "in" love but I loved:
his presence,
his spirit,
his laugh,
his conversation,
hell his scent even left me feeling elated.
I am confused as hell while writing this because I don't know where that feeling went.
His scent now stinks.
His laugh makes my head hurt.
His conversation is dry.
His spirit no longer moves me.
His presence is no longer there.


I felt as if I got the short end of the stick.
Long story short he got mad at me for some unknown reason and the next thing I know he is no longer there.
Our love died. 
Out of no where the calls stopped, and text messages were ignored.
I would get on facebook and he would quickly get off. So being the bawse that I am I just blocked his ass.
I blocked him from facebook, calling me, and my life as a whole.
I feel like I lost my homie-lover-friend.
I guess it's in retaliation for him hurting my feelings. But I had to let go.
I refuse to feel like boo boo the foo. I refuse to feel stupid and constantly wondering what did I do wrong. So this is my Dear John letter. Nothing more to say.

Signed,
 The best thing you never had.

Why I'm Single

Why do people always define single people as being miserable, bitter, scorn and unhappy? Especially women. You hear shit like, "I'm not trying to be the old lady who dies alone with her cats." Umm what? What about embracing individuality? Working on your career and goals. Do we really need a partnership to be happy beings?


So I received a phone call from an "old" friend. Well someone who used to like me and I never liked him back. This is funny because my home girl Ashley just got a phone call like this too.
Anyways. He's all like I'm the one that got away, he misses me, still wants to be with me. He's like i hope you don't have a boyfriend. Im like whaaaat. Hes like yeah because I'm still trying to wife you blahhh blahhhhhhh.

(side note) Not sure if yall caught Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami's latest episode when Omarion tried to wife up Khloe and she died laughing. (if you missed it see episode here) Whelp that's my life. I laugh when i'm placed in uncomfortable situations. Guys tell me all the time how I never take them serious. I tend to run away from relationships. It makes me nervous as hell, not guys but the commitment part. My friends have always known me as being the "player" because I talk to so many guys. This mechanism is solely so I wont focus on just one guy and fuck around and start liking his ass. I'm NOT afraid of being hurt, not by anymeans (thats a huge risk you take when being in a relationship) I'm just simply afraid of falling hard for someone and losing myself in the process.

I'd rather keep it simple and have a (on the surface) relationship. Which means, not too many questions being asked, no stories of past relations, no meeting family especially parents, and no PDA (which is trifling) We can hangout and do all that good stuff just as friends would do without titles to complicate things. Make sense? I would think most guys would be down for my arrangement, but as you can see that's not my situation. They usually want relationships, or tell me they l-ve me and I have to leave them be.
My family have started asking me when am i going to bring someone home. Ummmmm you don't bring these guys home. I don't plan on letting my family meet anyone until Im serious with them. My niece asked me was my best friend Ashley my girlfriend. I was like Ohhh shit thats not good, she thinks I'm gay. hahaha. I just haven't taken anyone serious in almost two years. I'm young and the place that I'm at in life isn't ready for anything serious or anyone to complicate my situation.

I don't understand why people need others to define themselves, especially females. They give girls like me a bad name. Most guys think I'm automatically clingy, and going to be all girly and fall in l-ve fast. But that isn't me at all. I am guarded, one of the least emotional females you'll ever meet in life. I'm not one for PDA, holding hands, kissing for no reason, saying i l-ve you. etc. I'm super sarcastic and I'm mean as hell (so i've been told). I've never been the type to "need" a boyfriend. I never want a man to represent me.

Usually if i answer my phone after giving out my number that guy only last for 3-5 days without me being annoyed. In my personal situations the guys i talk to are thirstier then most females i know (when it comes to wanting to be in relationships.) Sometimes i wonder if I'm leading people on or passing up someone good, because of my preferences but i know I'm not. I tell the guys i don't like them like that, sometimes several times. And i cant help what i prefer. I'm not limiting myself or lowering my standards for anyone. I just want my next relationship to be with someone that can and will actually last. I'm not jumping head first into anything. So if a male cant take being my friend then he doesn't need to be with me in the first place.

Tis the season to be caking fa la la la la.. la la la la. With that said you will see me blog about relationships and wanting a new "boo" or "boyfriend" from time to time. Ignore me. I'm talking shit. Its just about to be cold out, which means no clubs and hanging out as often as I could be. So i get bored and started thinking about dumb shit like boyfriends. Don't get me wrong i have friends and silent partners just no one worth bringing surface and displaying l-ve for. When that situation presents itself and the timing is right then I will. Until then......

But this is why I'm single and will be until further notice. 85% of the time I'm perfectly happy. So don't think I'm bitter, a man hater or anything. I'm good. I just thought I'd address the situation. For now I'll continue to be a "single black female addicted to retail"

xoxo
Sincerely,
Amber

To Love

Dear Love,
I feel like i'm in a war between my heart and pride. I love to be with you , yet I refuse to hurt inside. Yeah you MIGHT care, but some things are based upon lie. If it wasn't I wouldnt feel this empty inside. I'm afraid to let you in because of the pain thats sure to come. At this rate I'll NEVER find the one. To afraid of tears, from the karma that sure find me from previous years. Maybe its all just lust. Because I seem to always put too much effort in "us" Love can you even hear me? You've ignored me all these years. I worthy of some attention by now. I've taken a personal time out to do soul searching to find out me. Now im straight lonely. Just wondering if you bailed out on me. I just hope you can still find me.

Sincerely,
Me

I used to love h.e.r.

Guess u never really know what u had until its gone. I feel so bad. i actually tried to diss you in front of everybody. i mean we had a real relationship. you understood me and i understood you. i shared my inner most thoughts to you. things that i would never tell anyone else and u never judged me.. you always TRIED to understand. but things have changed. certain people came into my life and you were no longer a priority. its real fucked up, yeah i know. I guess i really didn't know what to say to you. Thats why i was avoiding you, but i still love you. Although I'm seeing other people.. know that i love you and i will come back to you again. love ya blogger. i shall return.

I miss my grandmother

I felt my grandmothers presence around me this morning. When i woke up i could smell her scent. And felt a chill. I just smiled and said I love you. I was thinking of her yesterday. She died when I was 13. But she played a big roll in my life. Her death hurt me so much. I blamed myself for years. I don't want to get in the story I'll start crying while writing and i don't have time. i just put eyeliner on.

But when she first died i used to feel spirits. I remember i was about to go to sleep one night and it felt like someone was pushing my body down. I couldn't scream. I couldn't speak. I started crying. And immediately started praying and then i got free from whatever it was. I jumped up and was breathing hard. I sat up for like 20 minutes before attempting to go to sleep. Then it happened again. I started praying and it went away. I got up and put on a gospel cd and was perfectly fine. Everytime i tell people the story they all look at me like I'm nuts. But i was talking to my psychology teacher about it in high school and she said it could of been a spirit.

But like i said. I smelled her perfume. I could feel her near me. It was comforting. I miss her alot.

He lost his soul to a woman so heartless.

Need i say more?
Kanye is a effin beast. He's creative. real. arrogant and need i say stylish.
i love this man!
hype williams killed it.


i damn near think im heartless. i wanna love and shit but im afraid of it. afraid to be in a serious relationship. im afraid of commitment. afraid to think too hard about a guy. afraid of missing someone. afraid of getting hurt. afraid he wont love me back. afraid of being alone. afraid to open up. im afraid to move on because im afraid he will move on and fall in love with someone else. im afraid he will forget what we had. so i act heartless.

The Miseducation of my heart

Its cold outside. i need a winter boo. life is so dull w/o one. Ive been single for way too long. ive done some soul searching for myself and maturing. i just want to be loved, feel loved, and give love. "but if i lack love then i am nothing at all"-L.boogie So save the useless words of encouragement. :be patient, theres someone for all of us: ugh shut up. im a girl i can vent about love its our god given right. so this is me venting . . the end

DAMAGED

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

So I have had the worse/ best September so far. Yeah its only the 2nd day.. But I’m 10 days closer to my birthday.. And I finally found my ex lover boy. OMG I was sooooooooo in love with him in high school. He claims it was my fault we stopped talking, but I know that was a lie… then again.. Did I realy go to Alabama and act that brand new? I know I was talking to one my of my ex boyfriends too and I all of a sudden I stopped talking to him once I went off to school. Did i really hate Indianapolis that much that I abandoned all that I knew? Did i forget where i came from?
I know I didnt just stop talking to my old lover boy because he so different. He was perfect to me. My perfect male. He is truly candy to the eye and I love his laid back persona. He is a little ruff around the edges but that gives you individuality..right? Anywho my best friend ShaMarla just happened to be in a club in all the way in Louisville, Kentucky (which she doesn’t even go to school in Louisville she goes to school in Frankfort) and just so happened to run into him. She texted me and I eagerly asked her to find him. I haven’t talked to him in about 3 years. We both change our phone numbers all the time and he keeps to himself so it was no way I could get his number any other way. So to make this story short. She found him and he got back in town from Kentucky today and called me. So of course we met up. I was so tense. Its been 3 years all I could do was anxiously ask myself ludicrous questions like, “ Did he get fat? Was he dusty? Could he possibly no longer be my lover boy.” All those questions were knocked at the park when he got out the car looking “Wine Fine“ as Lil Wayne would say! I was on cloud 9. So we started playing catch up and this guy tells me he doesn’t even reside in Indianapolis anymore, he moved. My little heart was crushed. I asked a host of questions in a row before he could come close to answer one of them. “What are you doing here? When are you leaving? Arizona? Who the hell moves to Arizona? OMG What was the point of even seeing you?” He just looked at me. Gave me this devious smile and said calm down. Basically he is here for ONE more day. Yes I repeat ONE. I am so sad. Its very bittersweet. He said he would come back and visit but that’s bull. As much as I keep talking about I need a new male friend and how I hate meeting new guys.. This was perfect timing. Well PRACTICALLY. Sometimes I wonder if I did something immoral, because this has been the most awful year ever for me in every aspect of life. It seems like I can never win no matter what I do. I know I can be a tab bit dramatic sometimes, but this is a big deal. Lol

I was talking to Ashley the other night and we were talking about how neither one us give guys a chance. She mad a great point. We both hate Indiana so bad that no matter the circumstances we will never talk to an Indiana guy just because he is from here. Sounds crazy right? But it is sadly true. I hate meeting guys from here because although Indianapolis isn’t a city -- its not a large on either. You always will know one or two mutual people. And that itself can be a turn off. If your not in school I just automatically think you have hella baggage (kids, crazy ex girlfriends, in trouble with the law) or if your working its usually not a good job. I can think of tons of excuses to not talk to guys here and all I’m doing is setting myself up to be melancholic. I feel like I’m contradicting myself sometimes though. But when you go away to school and everyone is there attempting to pursue their dreams that in itself is attractive in a weird kind of way. Its just funny the way life works. My state of happiness is no where near fulfilled. I hate being all depressed and sad but I have no choice lately. Every time I take one step in progressing I’m knocked back three more. Ugh LIFE!

If theres a soulmate for everyone,,

I have been searching high and low for this Tyler Perry song from his movie Madeas Family Reunion... the lightbulb finally went off in my head and i looked up the soundtrack ( duh Amber ) And it's called, Find myself in you by Brian Mcknight. I loooooove this song. Although i'm no where close to being in love.. its coo thinking about the what if's and possibilites. So of course I started thinking about alot of foolishness.. missing ppl that used to be in my life (males) but its a reason why they aren't there. I just took some time out and thought about a few of them and the things I could of done differently. I also thought about the lessons learned.

*off subject* I have three wonderful bestfriends Marla and The-Ashley's.
Okay Marla is the epitome of love. She loves hard and wears her emotions on her sleeve. The thing is she knows when a situation is wrong and can admit to it (which I respect) While my other two bestfriends are complete opposite. They are both very laid back and hate P.D.A. to the fullest degree. Its actually pretty funny.
One of the Ashleys hates any type of affection. She will blurt out.. "This is gay" or "Your gay" in a heartbeat. Although its a male doing these things. lol
NO OFFENSE IF ANY GAYS ARE READING. I LOVE YOU ALL
But she is just crazy like that. The other Ashley gets nervous "talking to someone she likes" in public. She said she thinks everyone is looking at her. lol
When it comes to myself.. I really don't mind the affection as long as its at an appropriate time. Kissing and cuddling aren't a big deal to me. I like chilling with the guy I like. Watch a movie and converse a little. Being mushy is okay SOMETIMES but its not anything I would want to do all the time. I'm some what in the middle of my bestfriends. I dont mind the love and affection (like Marla) but sometimes I need my space. I do not wear any type of emotion on my sleeve. I wear my armor instead. (like the- Ashleys)
I'm really not afraid of love I just think its pointless in this period of my life. Its cool to have someone around and someone to talk to but falling in love and being vunerable hmmmmmm i'll pass!

This is blog is so pointless and random. I don't even have a point. But words of advice to MALES! If a girl: talks to you, calls you often, sounds calm on the phone, laughs and giggles around you, wants to be around you, often ask where you are at, text you often.. she likes you dummy! I dont understand why guys dont realize that. If a girl didn't like you she wouldnt care and none of these things would ever occur. The point im trying to make is.. she wants a relationship. Guys if thats not your thing.. then dont run game and talk to her. Get straight to the point. If she sleeps with you even if your blunt about it then good for you. If she slaps you, hangs up on you or cusses you out then thats not the type of girl she is. Thats the reality of it.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told. Somebody tell me why I'm on my own. If theres a soulmate for everyone." -Natasha Bedingfield

I often think about us. I wish it could of been more than what it was. But I am thankful I was allowed to have you in my life, even if it was for a short amount of time. You made me happy.