Bright Days, Dark nights

I lost my job. This has been the hardest time of my life emotionally, financially and physically. I have been so depressed lately and I thank my sister and friends for their encouraging words. Alot of people don't know but when I was younger I attempted suicide. I wrote a letter and took a bunch of medication. Nothing happened. I remember crying and feeling like a failure because I couldn't even do that right. I kept my letter as a reminder to never stoop so low. I was going through papers and throwing them away and recently came across it. So many emotions ran through my head and I broke down completely.  As bad as it is, i know it could be worse and I have a lot to be thankful for. I now know that.
 My 18 year old cousin who I'm very close to attempted suicide last Saturday and it broke my heart. I always tried to be there for her but she felt like no one was there for her. I understand though. Sometimes you can have smiling faces all around you and still feel alone. I've been there  too many times. I have learned and grown a solid relationship with God and I know that everything I go through is a life lesson and I will soon see brighter days.

  Alot of people have recently been reaching out to me saying I'm MIA. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed that I lost my job. I can't do the things I used to with a restriction on cash. No clubs, bottle poppin, splurging on bullshit, taking vacations.. none of that. I build this wall around me and have kept everyone out, when these are the times that I need those people more than ever. I've been feeling lonely alot lately. Those people who I thought had my back no matter what, don't. I guess something as simple as losing my job my eyes to the bullshit around me. Like the old saying goes when your on top everyone is in your face smiling, but when you hit the bottom no one is there.

 That's how I feel. No need for anyones sympathy. I don't need any pitty parties or anyone feeling bad for me. I know it will get better in time. I'm learning the importance of stocks and bonds and managing my money instead of splurging on frivolous things that have no value. I'm only 23 but I swear I have learned alot about myself and those around me. I'm still evolving.

At your best you are loved.

Its hard to believe Aug 25th 2001 was 8 years ago. Aalyiah died. She was only 22 years young.
Its sounds so crazy. It was only yesterday I was learning her dances. They always say the good die young. We know your in heaven dancing around with MJ. We love you babygirl.
Word on the street is a movie is in the making based upon Aaliyahs life. Starring video vixen/ actress Keshia Chante. chick looks just like her. Kinda scary. But i cant wait.


Her last video footage while shooting her last video Rock the boat. click here

I gotta find my peace of mind.

So like Amber said I have to bring happiness to myself..
And since i feel like i'm doing absolutely nothing with my life
i think i'm going to volunteer and join the CCS. (cross cultural solutions)
Its something like the peace corps but its different in many ways.
Its a not for profit independent organization. I have a friend who goes to Russia for a month every year with her church and she loves it. So I think i'm going to do the insight abroad program, which is a one-week volunteer program offered in Brazil, China, Costa Rica, Guatemala, Morocco, Peru, Russia, and Thailand. You can choose to volunteer from 1 to 12 weeks, but i need to start off small. lol The only downside is i have to raise $1,898 dollars. It really isn't that much but seeing that were in a recession its a-lot. It includes my activities fees, lodging, meals, transportation, local and international phone calls and my travel and medical insurance. Oh and i have to pay for my own airfare. I just talked to a lady on the phone about it and shes supposed to send my more information in the mail. But this is something I've always wanted to do.. So hopefully everything works out for the best.

Oh and my current job is laying us ALL off. They didnt renew their contract w/ the building in which were located, nor w/ sprint so were bascially S.O.L. on April 1st. They told us if we stay until 4-1-09 we can get unemployment. (for those of you who know anything about unemployment you know it takes months to kick it) So its damn near stupid to stay. I've been looking for another job. I hate that job, but i'm so lazy and dont feel like finding a new one. I have been going to these temp to hire places, so hopefully i can find something that will last me to until mid-June (thats when i move) I've also been looking to work at a shelter for the homeless. I just want to give back the best way i can. And i have a huge soft spot for homeless people. If not a shelter than I might try to work back at the boys and girls club. (that was the best job i ever had) As much as i say i dont want kids, they bring me happiness. Well cross your fingers for me.. I hate being broke so i need some employment like a-sap.



p.s. Drake's So Far Gone cd is the shhhhhhhit! He's a beast.

you shoulda hit him with ya umbrella- ella ella .

I feel so under the weather right now.
Its warmed up so much here. i didnt wear heavy coat today or yesterday.. but like right now
I feel like pure shit. and it came outta no where man. my head is throbbing, my stomach hurts, i feel like im about to throw up. (i tried to make myself throw up) but nothing came up.

Ugh i hope this does not mean im about to get sick. i hardly get sick but when i do.. they go hard. they last for a good month.

seein that i cant pop pills.. im about to drown my sorrows with some nightquil. (yuckie)

Salene still wants me to ride with her to Alabama on Friday. I hope i feel up to parr.

Im thinking about doing a weekly v-log. i know my girls dopefiend and dopeness do them all the time. im thinking about doing a t.g.i.f v-log. only if i have time. i tried doing a vlog and started laughing at myself. It was weird talking to a camera. Idk why.. i swear i talk to myself out loud ALL THE TIME.
What do you think?

OH and to my dear friend Velly Velle where the hell are you?? U havent updated in forever.

ONE NATION, UNDER GOD.

1.20.09
Finally.
I never thought i would live to see the day that our country had a black president. I wished i could of lived back in the days of Malcolm and Martin but since I didn't I can tell my grandkids about the day Obama became president. I wish i could be in D.C. but i have to work. I'm going to watch the inauguration locally. (I need to go to bed so I can get up) But my dvr will be recording everything so i can watch it over and over again.
I just want people to know that yeah this is a day for celebration but this does not mean act ignorant. AND Obama is not your nigga. If i hear one more ignorant comment as such i might scream. Obama already said this road to change will be hard, it wont be easy. So don't expect for shit to be peachy by Thursday. It will be hard and long journey. Things will get worse before they get better. Be patient.

UPDATE
"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness."

I watched the inauguration with tears falling off my cheeks. I cried as he walked out, cried as he was sworn in and cried during his speech. I just felt like we as a people finally are Free. America can finally be seen without color. I cant believe I'm able to live to see this day. I feel so proud. I watched the inauguration from Conseco Fieldhouse with my family. Although i wasn't in Washington you would of thought we were. We were surrounded with strangers who immediately embraced one another. The children chanted O-bama O-bama every chance they got. I'm just proud to be apart of history.

"My president is black in fact he's half WHITE. so even in a racist mind he half RIGHT, so if u got a racist mind, its ALRIGHT. my president is BLACK, but his house
ALL WHITE."

I miss my grandmother

I felt my grandmothers presence around me this morning. When i woke up i could smell her scent. And felt a chill. I just smiled and said I love you. I was thinking of her yesterday. She died when I was 13. But she played a big roll in my life. Her death hurt me so much. I blamed myself for years. I don't want to get in the story I'll start crying while writing and i don't have time. i just put eyeliner on.

But when she first died i used to feel spirits. I remember i was about to go to sleep one night and it felt like someone was pushing my body down. I couldn't scream. I couldn't speak. I started crying. And immediately started praying and then i got free from whatever it was. I jumped up and was breathing hard. I sat up for like 20 minutes before attempting to go to sleep. Then it happened again. I started praying and it went away. I got up and put on a gospel cd and was perfectly fine. Everytime i tell people the story they all look at me like I'm nuts. But i was talking to my psychology teacher about it in high school and she said it could of been a spirit.

But like i said. I smelled her perfume. I could feel her near me. It was comforting. I miss her alot.

NEGATiVE PEOPLE ARE ALL AROUND ME! (W00-SAH)

Okay so like I said before my older sister Tiffany’s boyfriend proposed to her. My sister is like the only family member I’m close to. We’re 6 years apart (age wise) but we are super close. Its funny because growing up I hated her guts!! (We have the same mom, diff pops.) But we’ve grown and have a really great relationship.

Now my senior year in high school she got pregnant out of wedlock and that’s the only thing that was a setback. She graduated from college on the deans list from college. She’s super smart and driven. But basically some things with her and the babe dad turned out ugly and he is no longer in my nieces life.

She was hooked up with her new boyfriend T.C. by her two sisters. They immediately clicked and now are about to get married. They haven’t been dating long but they love each other and that’s all that matters. Now I’m cool with the marriage thing because I want her to be married. But she told me they are trying to get married on March 7th.

Ummm hello that’s like tomorrow. I was like well why are you getting married so soon, you should wait and save some money so the wedding wont be rushed. She snapped. I was like I wasn’t saying it for you to get upset. Im sorry but its just my personal opinion. So I called my mom is the most negative person that I know. She of course was hating (I think its jealousy) but she started talking like she didn’t like T.C. *note this woman stays in his face, now all of a sudden she don’t like him* I rushed her off the phone because she was pissing me off. 45 mins later my moms is calling back. I answer, but its my auntie. * I don’t fuck w/ her side of the family at all because they will all use u until you cant be used anymore.* heres the convo

Me: Hello
(annoying talking in the background)
Me: Hellllo
Auntie: Oh hi Amber. Happy New years.
(me thinking did she get the memo late? New Years was 2 days ago.)
Me: Happy New Years. Whats up?
Auntie: dang just saying happy new years. What did you do?
(me thinking yeah right)
Me: okay and I said it back. But I got drunk.
Auntie: You were drunk? Wow. Who you get drunk with?
Me: my friends.
Auntie: (laughing: mocking me “my friends” haha you sound like a white girl. Well I was just calling to get your opinion about the wedding.
Me: (irritated) What u mean my opinion? Its not my wedding, and if my sister is happy then there’s no comments needed. Who cares be happy for her.
Auntie: I was just seeing what u thought.
Me: Well I told my mother she should wait a little longer so it wont be rushed but other than that its nothing to say. Im happy for her and she’s going to do what she wants to do.
Auntie: Oh do you like him?
Me: Ugh yeah. Why?
( I guess she thought I said what do you think b/c she started rambling)
Auntie: Well I think its too soon, and we don’t know anything about him. I don’t want her to make a mistake. It does seem pretty soon. I was telling her mom the other night I had a dream she told me she was getting married and your mom just told me she is. So it kind of scared me. I don’t know though.
Me: What are you talking about? Who cares?
Auntie: okay Amber well u sound like you don’t want to talk so I love you and ill talk to you later.
Me: buhbye

My family is so negative and jealous. I hate them. They are so judgmental yet don’t have any fucking room to judge a soul. That’s why I keep to myself. I hate telling my mom anything b/c she immediately tells someone. Stupid ass. I hate family sometimes. I hate that I have no choice but to deal with them.

I feel like a lost soul floating like a balloon.

At the very second i have ne-yo's (don't fall in love) song on repeat. LISTEN HERE
This song does something to me. I can hear him telling me this. And I'm just looking at him with that "nigga you must not know bout me" face. I was thee QUEEN of never falling in love and letting emotions get in the way. But i ate my words and fell... HARD. I'm just now getting back up. I think i messed alot of that up. i tried to act all coo like nothing mattered.. then out of no where i got all pissed and started asking all kind of questions, showing that i was catching feelings.. then he told me he didn't want to be with me. gave me some dumb ass excuse... and at that moment i knew i fell. It took forever for me to ever face that fact. This song just brings back memories that i tried to hide behind makeup. but shit it hurts listening to this song. yet i cant stop listening.

Well any who. Happy 09 bitches! I wish you all a year of growth, love, hope and change.

My sister's boyfriend proposed to her on New Years Eve. It was the cutest thing ever. I love those two. They make you want to find you better half. I'm so happy for her.. And i actually like him. He is a real coo person.

I bought the new year in with one of bff's ShaMarla and Teryn. It was random but fun. I got drunk fast as hell. (Svedka, Date Rape, Wine, Hennessey and blunts) I remember i kept dropping my phone and i called or texted like everyone in my phone. My mom said i called her drunk (which I've NEVER done that) it was kind of funny i suppose. Then i went to the bars with ShaMarla and her cousin Tiara. I saw so many ppl from high school. My ex bff was there. We didn't say a word to each other. It was kind of weird but whatever. Oh and the girl i said was a blog stalker was there as well. I didn't say anything to her either. lol. I hate being fake. Whats the point. If i don't like you. Shit i dont like you. But It was bittersweet. I WAS supposed to go to Atl for NYE but i didn't go b/c of some miscommunication. Now i guess Ashley is mad or whatever. But she still went. Good for her. Hope she had fun. its funny though because i know she was saying all kinds of negative shit about me on the ride down. lol But that's life..right? We haven't been talking like we normally do. But im busy reading books to understand life.. She's my bff and all but sometimes you just need a break from people you know.

My news years resolution.. hmm i really didn't make one. i just made promises to myself. I recorded my new years resolution that i made for 2008 and i actually accomplished alot of the things i set out for myself. This year is kind of easy. Its all about me. Being selfishness at its finest. I don't care anymore. I'm not holding anything back. Not sparing anyones feelings. No one else does.. so why should I? Im keeping alot to myself, it seems like every time i say I'm doing something or want something someone ALWAYS tries to beat me to it. But on the bright side. I'll be back enrolled in college and living in HotLanta real soon.

I thought of this really cool tattoo idea. I told my friend about it. She liked it too. I wrote the looooongest blog about it but it wouldn't post. so i will try later.

Well i hope you guys like the new layout. Its plain yet to the point. That's what i wanted. i have a second option. But I'll try this one out for awhile.

Well i hope you all had a great, drunk new years. i wish u all the best. peace.

... and another one bites the dust!

"Why is it that we have what we don't really want, and want what we can't really have?"
(rhetorical)

i'm trying to be thankful better yet grateful in this world of lies and sin. But its hard when u feel like u lose more than u win.

I hate being responsible.

i gave up my ticket to the usher concert (which was tonight in Chicago) to do guess what yall--->>> (WORK!!!!!!!!!!) 0MG! isnt that crazy. i was telling everyone tonight at work and they all gave me these crazy looks. haha. but im in training right now and if i miss it its a wrap. i can kiss the job goodbye. i hate being grown up and having to make real decisions. im so jealous and i know my bff (the black barbie) was pissed, but she better have fun seeing her love USHER! im sorry girl. i'll make it up i swear.

i hate doing all this soul searching.. especially when you search for answers and you still dont know. questions like whats my purpose? i dont have any kids, no boyfriend, im not in school (not by choice), and im not having fun with my life. so i just ask why am i here. not that i would EVERRRRRRRRR consider taking my life but it sucks living life and waking up with nothing to look forward to but the time passing away. anyone else ever feel that way?

i really feel like i need some new friends, (nothings wrong with the 3 i have) S-Dot lives in Kentucky, Black Barbie lives about an hour away and bf Ashley-Ashley works two jobs and its a done deal with us doing anything. So you can kind of see where the line of boredom can fall into place.
I just wanna travel and see the world. Venture out and do new things, meet new people, be in new places. But its easier said than done.
Somedays are good, some are bad. Todays just bad.

My president is black, he turned hella states blue and i'll be got damned if Indiana aint too!

My feet hurt. My back hurts. Im STILL cold. I worked my ass off for Mr. Obama ALL DAY TODAY. 6am-6pm ya heard. Passing out flyers, showing ppl how to vote, helping them find their voter locations.. Hell yeah i Baracked that shit hard. So he better fuckin wins or its some mad foolishness going on in the government. I heard some crazy ass stories today. Some voters in Ohio were seperated by race.. blacks in one line, white in the other (CRAZY) some candiate threw away hella votes.. they was blocking streets off. I know here in Nap they was pulling people over EVERYWHERE. the blocks were hot. all this is some nonsense. i hate that the states are this crooked. So im letting it be known, if for any reason Barack doesnt get into the "black" house. im outty. United Kingdom here i come.

But i have faith he will pull it off. Id rather switch up states instead of countries. lol

Well i hope everyone had a successful voting day. Tell me how your day turned out.
This is damn near it for me (political talk)
May the best man win! (cough cough Barack)

peace out peoples!

IS ORGiNALiTY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Where is a little.. Innovation, novelty, uniqueness, inventiveness, creativity, freshness, imagination.. Get the picture. Can you find your own light through the tunnel without using someone else’s flashlight?

Birthday fun.. haha nope

hey bitches..
sorry i havent blogged in days... i just havent been in the mood. anywho.. about my big day. 9.12. =birthday.. hmMMm lets see besides dinner it [my new hair cut revealed]
pretty much sucked. it rained from 9.11 - 9.13.
people backed out at the last minute... so the atlanta trip was cancelled. Chicago.. wasnt fun at all. so thats basically it. if i didnt have an attitude. i was close to having one. all i did was waste money. $$$$$$$$$$$
thats my b.day wrap up. i damn near need new friends. lol

im really anticipating classic. hopefully it will be enjoyable. no rain, or snow (indiana weather is crazy)

ive been talking to [mister c] again. i cant let go. i dunno why. its super hard. but im happy where we are at. our relationship is super weird and cant be discribed in any way shape or form.. but i like it this way. I like being friends.

i met someone new but he is mad annoying ALREADY.
i dont understand why guys call as soon as i give them my number.
ughhhh thirsty! all he does is text and call me. its tooo much. too soon.

im over everything.. everyone.. im seriously on some solo stuff.
getting my thoughts together.

leave me be.

If theres a soulmate for everyone,,

I have been searching high and low for this Tyler Perry song from his movie Madeas Family Reunion... the lightbulb finally went off in my head and i looked up the soundtrack ( duh Amber ) And it's called, Find myself in you by Brian Mcknight. I loooooove this song. Although i'm no where close to being in love.. its coo thinking about the what if's and possibilites. So of course I started thinking about alot of foolishness.. missing ppl that used to be in my life (males) but its a reason why they aren't there. I just took some time out and thought about a few of them and the things I could of done differently. I also thought about the lessons learned.

*off subject* I have three wonderful bestfriends Marla and The-Ashley's.
Okay Marla is the epitome of love. She loves hard and wears her emotions on her sleeve. The thing is she knows when a situation is wrong and can admit to it (which I respect) While my other two bestfriends are complete opposite. They are both very laid back and hate P.D.A. to the fullest degree. Its actually pretty funny.
One of the Ashleys hates any type of affection. She will blurt out.. "This is gay" or "Your gay" in a heartbeat. Although its a male doing these things. lol
NO OFFENSE IF ANY GAYS ARE READING. I LOVE YOU ALL
But she is just crazy like that. The other Ashley gets nervous "talking to someone she likes" in public. She said she thinks everyone is looking at her. lol
When it comes to myself.. I really don't mind the affection as long as its at an appropriate time. Kissing and cuddling aren't a big deal to me. I like chilling with the guy I like. Watch a movie and converse a little. Being mushy is okay SOMETIMES but its not anything I would want to do all the time. I'm some what in the middle of my bestfriends. I dont mind the love and affection (like Marla) but sometimes I need my space. I do not wear any type of emotion on my sleeve. I wear my armor instead. (like the- Ashleys)
I'm really not afraid of love I just think its pointless in this period of my life. Its cool to have someone around and someone to talk to but falling in love and being vunerable hmmmmmm i'll pass!

This is blog is so pointless and random. I don't even have a point. But words of advice to MALES! If a girl: talks to you, calls you often, sounds calm on the phone, laughs and giggles around you, wants to be around you, often ask where you are at, text you often.. she likes you dummy! I dont understand why guys dont realize that. If a girl didn't like you she wouldnt care and none of these things would ever occur. The point im trying to make is.. she wants a relationship. Guys if thats not your thing.. then dont run game and talk to her. Get straight to the point. If she sleeps with you even if your blunt about it then good for you. If she slaps you, hangs up on you or cusses you out then thats not the type of girl she is. Thats the reality of it.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told. Somebody tell me why I'm on my own. If theres a soulmate for everyone." -Natasha Bedingfield

I often think about us. I wish it could of been more than what it was. But I am thankful I was allowed to have you in my life, even if it was for a short amount of time. You made me happy.

B!@#F^$%$#F%!!

yeah thats my hair in the sink. i told everyone if i didnt leave for school i would do this. last night i was up [thinking] which in my case isnt always a good thing. i just got up. went in the bathroom pulled my hair back into a ponytail and cut it. after that i washed it and cut some more. craazy?? not really. all my problems are in that sink. seriously.
"this morning i woke up.. feeling brand new. i jumped up. put on headband and my flats.. grabbed my celly and the louie bag" with no remorse no regrets or anything. i actually started cutting a little more. my bestfriend Ashley- Ashley came over my house thinking i did something to myself because i wasnt answering my phone or responding to my text.


I just wanna be left alone though. no phone calls from anyone. not even my sister or bestfriends. i just need to regroup.im really stuck here. lol i cant believe it. i dont even care about the hair.. im just thinking about a lot of stuff. people and their ways. wondering why people are still so afraid to be themselves. This is not anything to get attention because i can careless about something like that. thats not my style. i dont want anyone worrying about me. It was to show im comfortable being who i am.. with or without hair. its sad i have to keep my ideas in my head because im afraid of someone stealing my credit. you can not steal my shine.

im still trying to move with one of my aunties in cali. indiana isnt the place for me. i love change wayyyy to much. cali, new york or atl. so where ever i can be.. i will be me.

peace out ppl .
sinercely,
Amber

DOWN AND OUT

I am officially bummed out.

I just want to crawl in a ball in die.

I may not be able to go back to school because no one will effin co-sign for my loan.

I can not believe my uncle, who is a effin superintendent for a township school will NOT co-sign.

He had to audacity to call himself going off on me.. asking why am i calling? and what do i want? EFF HIM!! He's dead to me. Seriously. I dont need that man to help me. Eff everyone.

karma's a bitch. if i cant go to school.. im going to be in a great deal of depression. i've been thinking about family members that i could go move with.

i texted my aunt who lives in california.. maybe i'll try that out for a month or so.

im just stressed and everyone here is making it seem like everything is cooo. its soooo not!

so i really dont wanna be here. its nothing here for me. No one here. whats the point of life?

like seriously. i refuse to work a 9 to 5.. for no reason. pray for me. if you've never prayed before please try to pray for me now. im not the most spriritual person but i really need some strength to get through this.

I HATE PEOPLE.

i am soooooooooooooooo irritated with ppl.


some ppl dont realize how annoying they can be.


example: i hate when ppl call my phone 2 or more times.. and keep callin


obviously i didnt wanna talk to you. dont cop an attitude take it as a lost.


im not doctor phil. somedays arent good for me either and i most of the time i wanna be alone.





this whole aamu apartment situation and car situation is driving me insane. i wish they could fall in place. i only have 13 days!! and im homeless. lol


i really dont wanna move with brittany. i just dont think its going to work. my plan was to talk to my dad about it but he acts like he's soooooooo busy and we miss each other (he's coming when im going or vice versa) i NEED so much stuff. i cant afford it. i hate being broke. its really stressful. im ready to go to school but not really be at that school. i have a new found friendship with my worse enemy (from last yr.) she's a coo little country girl. hopefully it will workout. i need to be out with the old and in with the new. all the old ppl i was coo with at aamu.. was on some party shit. i need to stray away from those for a while. i dont even have time thinking about relationships.. thats how focused i need to be. no procrastination. im tired of telling myself what i need to do. im just doing it. who cares. at the end of the day im the only one that matters.





randomness. i really want a new tattoo.


cute eh? well if u dont think so who cares what u think!
its the The Eye of Horus it's an ancient Egyptian symbol of protection and royal power from deities. im getting it soon!!! well i actually want like 5 more to add to my 2 i already have

• one above
• african cross
• black feminst power
• music notes
• chinese symbols.

Well.. i have nothing else to say.. im just madd irritated!!! UNtil we meet again

xoxo

my poetic posture

its like 5:30 in the AM. crazy. birds churpin. cant sleep. hearts weak. i felt like givin up last week.. but im rising higher then spaceships in a midnight sky. happy when i was by his side. going crazy cuz he got another lady.. [smile].. i never put it past him. that down south heat will make u go shady. the past is nothing but memories that need to be set FREE. im holding on to him in my head.. CRAZYYY. my poetic posture is as stiff as a concrete wall. hearts been crushed so much from catching all my falls. (dope line) .. so i write.. and here i stand. dreaming dreams. sleeping lightly. feet in the sand. my time is coming. dreams of stars. and fast cars. shiny objects wont get u far. money makes the world go crazy. drugs make us die. killing each other.. always tryna be fly. sit ya ass down. little boy with broken dreams. bashing his sisters cuz their hearts fein. wanted to love. never knew how. so i said fuck it. and live this lifestyle. putting love to the side. never knew why. here i stand and still i rise.
--that seriously came of the dome. -- idk .
Famous Some day- Kiddo Aj. {peace and love}
I.M.E.N.A. = DREAM .. follow them!

eff the police

So i def. quit my boring ass job yesterday!!!!
mistake.. maybe?
taking initiative.. yes!!

ugh i really dont care. i mean yeah i need the money.. but i was over that job.
i didnt talk to anyone there fareal. i never really cared for the police anyways. haha

Now here i go again.. job searching. this shit is whack as crack.!! i hate it. but a girls gotta do what shes gotta do. i told Ashley T. yesterday.. at first she was all mad because that meant no black arts. i really do wanna go.. i need a VACA but whatever. i was looking forward to seeing some ppl. but then again i would of been too drunk to remember. lol but we are considering going to the taste of chicago. idk though. its not that fun anymore. i mean i can chill out and listen to bands all day.. but i know ashley wont be down for that. so idk. i know my dad is going so i might just go with him..

and im bored again.. i want a boyfriend (mood).. lets be real. i dont want a boyfriend i want someone to be there. someone who cares. someone who i like bein around. good company. eye candy too. thats all. i just need a real coo friend. im not feeling the whole ex situation. they are my ex's for a reason. i dont like the recycled boyfriend thing. thats sooo 2000. lol .

but i need to just progress forward.
i feel like everything is in slow motion around me. idk if im bitter or what but im off of damn near everyone. its old. i love everyone but im done caring.. (if that makes sense) ppl always nagging about stupid shit and staying in this negative light.. i have to do me. like fareal. AND indiana is NOT where its at!! i gotta get outta this place!

well peace and love. ttyl

chop chop chop.

i been crazy late. i havent blogged since thursday. im real trifilin i know.
i have been contemplating on some things.. new car, switching colleges etc. my head is over congested with thoughts. i cannot wait for the carter III and plies new cd. i didnt wanna be a sell out and do the hood boot legged thang. my home boy has convinced me to start buying cds so thats what im on. my cd game is out of wack though.

weekend blues.. i lost my debit card... and my car started messing up sooooo this has been a bad week already and its only MONDAY!!!!!

i cut my hair this weekend. im not really feeling it. i always have these random ideas in my head and then go through with them without thinking about it. im not tripping because it is just hair but idk

lol im laughing right now at my stupid ass best friend ashley. she sitting here TRYING to dance to david banners song (stuntin is a habit) she is soooo silly.

RANDOM THOUGHTS..

• i want a new tattoo. matter of fact i want 5 of them. i want to get them all at the same time and get them over with.
• i need a new celluar device.. i wanna switch from sprint to t-mobile
• i dont want or need a boyfriend.. i just need a new friend

well god bless ppl. love and live to the fullest. dont hold grudges. and tell someone u love them!