My Soul Bleeds Royal Blue (this might be too deep for you)

The truth has absorbed itself into fabrication
flanked by the foggy mirrors where my image lives
sheltered souls.shallow. royal blue reflections.
Communication lacks at time but he feels me
we make love --intellectually
in the flesh my soul bleeds.royal blue.

LIES turn to deceit
queen of cold. its winter year 'round
ice box is where my heart resides
he sucked me into this trap but i have to breathe to live.
i run. get away. i run. i run i run.
cries within so my lips lock onto the purple to free my mind.

love don’t live here no more.
I’ve dug the words into my skin deep.
so deep thats all we have left is this love hate
head congested with dishonesty.
the truth hurts to bad.
the memories fade to black
his scent still lingers and lies on my bed still-- stiff.
so i run. i run i run. to get free i run.

coke and hennessey is in my blood stream
my smiles are misleading.
convincing I pretend to be.
my Happiness is past tense
our souls bleed royal blue
take off your cool and reveal your soul.
behind your image is not a man but a childish fool.

im cold. i fade love is gone. Its love hate.
she dying. no need to protect her force
let her go. no need in reviving her.
hes gone. playing games with someone elses heart
so i run to get free. I run from our memories.
until my soul bleeds
royal blue

We were never meant to be baby we just happened

“When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?” Carrie Bradshaw

His smile. His soft kisses. His touch. The way he held me. His smell. His locs. His smooth skin. His accent. His hustle. His laid back persona. His sarcastic ass remarks. His goofy laugh. His intelligence. Him needing me.. me needing him. I miss his being. damn it haunts me.

I've convinced myself it was only lust. I just wish i could FREE my mind. I've moved on but no one compares to him.

We [Free & I] talked on the phone recently. Yes were friends =)
I "have a boyfriend" so i have no business thinking of him like i do still.
He talked about some chick he was fucking and i was like whoa whoa whoa buddy dont care. He's like well i thought it was coo since were friends and all.


Im friends with most ex boyfriends.. but hes different. Those scars have not yet healed. Its like scraping your knee.. it heals but i pick at it from time to time.
The mark is still there.. I can see it.. but i keep messing with the same sore.. until it bleeds and i learn my lesson again.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

The Struggle.

I am fighting with myself.
I am fighting with procrastination and my lack of dedication
I am fighting with the decisions made, regrets i've gained and tears i've drained
I am fighting with the hopes I have that I've set aside
I am fighting for a decent way to work a 9 to 5.
I am fighting with my heart since I cant let go.
I am fighting with reminiscing on the memories that i hold.
I am fighting with myself esteem and ego.
I am fighting with love. I fear the hurt that will follow.
I am fighting with the pride i have thats so hard to swallow.
I am fighting with my previous lifetime and the karma that follows me
I am fighting with being positive instead of this negative energy
I am fighting with listening instead of thinking i know everything
I am fighting with the past and my parents mistakes
I am fighting with patience to accept the things i can not change
I am fighting for my god given name
I am fighting cant you see.
I am fighting to become a better me.

Should of listened the first time when Eve told me that love was blind

So Free called me yesterday, Twice actually. And he texted me. I was at work so i couldn't answer or respond. I told him what time i got off. But once i was off. I played a personal tug-of-war with myself on rather i should reply. I told myself, Self "this year you cant deal with him" I've been going semi-strong. I really don't think about him unless someone else brings him up, or someone tells a story that i can relate to. But any who I didn't call him or text him back so kudos to me. (This is how i feel about him. Its an old poem i wrote when i was pissed.)

I Gotta Get Free
Failed relationships commitment issues.
I need permission for me to love you.
Labels and lies from ex lovers has got you in a frenzy.
said that’s the reason why you cant be with me.
What kind of shit is that?
Got me up stressing smoking all tweets cigarettes.
Lonely souls compatible.
karma recycling on my heart.
Id rather be lovers than strangers
but u’d rather let us stray apart
I used to love him I thought what we had was true
that’s the reason I'm always confused and don’t know what to do
Was he my lover? Technically no.
partners of love making, minds collaborate while challenging each others egos.
Cycles of indecisiveness, Medusa like hearts
Just Heavy
holding on to past failures. Now this is the result
Your peace mentality was enclosed until you met me.
Now your FREE. You said you can't breath when your without me.
don’t talk just listen cuz this is my moment of clarity

Whirlpools of emotions got me fucked up in the mind.
Should of listened the first time when Eve told me that love was blind.
So where do we go. Cuz I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere.
I'm convinced love hates me. I was never a fan of its words.
I knew one day this time would come and my heart would be cursed.
I gave it my all. Patience and my integrity
speaking all these words of pain that’s been heavy on my brain
I wish you could feel it.
See it.
Shit hear it.
I'm telling you. I fell hard although I said I wouldn't
Guess you cant control what destined to be.
..guess I was destined to get hurt and you were destined to cheat.
Needless to say. The history we once shared is now all a waste.
Cuz like Aalyiah I wonder how could the one I gave my heart to just let it break
But my cheeks will be stained from these toxic tears I cried.
You said the last thing you wanted to do was hurt me.
Check mark . task has been complete.
You hurt me soul.
you was my everything man. my personal talib kweli
i gave you everything. now I'm left with nothing.
broken dreams. empty emotions. and questions left unanswered that i have to seek
I'm left with these streaks of confusion stained on my cheeks.
I gotta get free.

Just one of those days

basically its one of those days. i have alice smiths cd in rotation. feelin real mellow but i feel like i missin something. i really dont have the patience to meet someone new.. nor do i really wanna talk to someone from the past... so whats a girl to do? idk.

its funny that when someone likes you so much u can careless about them but when they move on.. you start to care. this guy had the bigggest crush on me. told me he liked me all the time. i always ignored him or brushed it off. i was content with being just friends. well ne who. he got a girlfriend and i started acting really jealous (im normally not like that) but i knew right then and there i really cared. (or i was being selfish) Now everything has changed. we barely talk. its just weird. i miss him a little but i can never admit to it.

wrote a poem about it:
4am blues
My yawning face is awake again. With this 4am blues. Still in love.. Looking confused. Got me feeling stuck cuz I refuse to give up on something I know is so right. But you don’t care so it should only be right that I give up this fight. But inside I’m yearning for your love. Feigning to hear your voice cuz it makes the world stop. You told me you never wanted to hurt me but why am I sitting here feeling like my hearts been ripped apart? I’m tired of pretending I’m fine knowing I’m not. I miss you. I want you. Better yet I need you. I told myself I would never fall in love again cause this shit hurts my soul. Yet here I am forced out of love . Hurt. Looking confused and feeling stuck. But I refuse to give up. I’m sitting here awake with all these mixed feelings racing through my mind. I got the 4am blues for the 3rd night in a row. I wish I could just get over you but I just cant let go.

Random!! ---> i had a talk with my girl Coco Black. She put alot of things into perspective. she said "If you don't see what you want around you - create it." i love this girl she is ridiculously fly and her mind is out of this world. i feel her though. sometimes i feel all alone on this planet. my mind goes off to other galaxies sometimes. lol anywho check her out.
http://theagytators.blogspot.com/

my poetic posture

its like 5:30 in the AM. crazy. birds churpin. cant sleep. hearts weak. i felt like givin up last week.. but im rising higher then spaceships in a midnight sky. happy when i was by his side. going crazy cuz he got another lady.. [smile].. i never put it past him. that down south heat will make u go shady. the past is nothing but memories that need to be set FREE. im holding on to him in my head.. CRAZYYY. my poetic posture is as stiff as a concrete wall. hearts been crushed so much from catching all my falls. (dope line) .. so i write.. and here i stand. dreaming dreams. sleeping lightly. feet in the sand. my time is coming. dreams of stars. and fast cars. shiny objects wont get u far. money makes the world go crazy. drugs make us die. killing each other.. always tryna be fly. sit ya ass down. little boy with broken dreams. bashing his sisters cuz their hearts fein. wanted to love. never knew how. so i said fuck it. and live this lifestyle. putting love to the side. never knew why. here i stand and still i rise.
--that seriously came of the dome. -- idk .
Famous Some day- Kiddo Aj. {peace and love}
I.M.E.N.A. = DREAM .. follow them!

torn in between the two..

..
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.” Unknown

here i go again like Trina said. Im still torn in between the two like letoya.. but im ready for love like india.. but this one may have to wait until my next lifetime like erykah.. why is it no matter how many faces i can put in his place .. one simple text message can make him seem like prince charming. he can simply text hey and i'll be on a natural high. ugh this really makes no sense what-so-ever... ughhh lord please let me get over this dude. (switch roles) i honestly think he cares.. but his head isnt in it like mine was. the funny thing is it started off that way. it was him who tried to talk to me. i wasnt feeling him. haha. i just wish i could wake up and all our memories we had together were erased. like i got amnesia and he never existed. sounds far fetched but im serious!
** random** my ex called AGAIN last night. sayin hey.. {i was sleep} he asked when can he accidently run into me again. i dont understand. we havent been together in 4 years! havent seen him in 2. he has a girlfriend and a baby. what the hell does he think we about to be. he better kick boulders.
** im mad tired today. i just wanna crawl in my bed, watch a movie and sleep. lol seriously. but its way too pretty and hot outside. sleep is the cousin of death. i gotta live.

well peace and love people until next time!