Why I'm Single

Why do people always define single people as being miserable, bitter, scorn and unhappy? Especially women. You hear shit like, "I'm not trying to be the old lady who dies alone with her cats." Umm what? What about embracing individuality? Working on your career and goals. Do we really need a partnership to be happy beings?


So I received a phone call from an "old" friend. Well someone who used to like me and I never liked him back. This is funny because my home girl Ashley just got a phone call like this too.
Anyways. He's all like I'm the one that got away, he misses me, still wants to be with me. He's like i hope you don't have a boyfriend. Im like whaaaat. Hes like yeah because I'm still trying to wife you blahhh blahhhhhhh.

(side note) Not sure if yall caught Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami's latest episode when Omarion tried to wife up Khloe and she died laughing. (if you missed it see episode here) Whelp that's my life. I laugh when i'm placed in uncomfortable situations. Guys tell me all the time how I never take them serious. I tend to run away from relationships. It makes me nervous as hell, not guys but the commitment part. My friends have always known me as being the "player" because I talk to so many guys. This mechanism is solely so I wont focus on just one guy and fuck around and start liking his ass. I'm NOT afraid of being hurt, not by anymeans (thats a huge risk you take when being in a relationship) I'm just simply afraid of falling hard for someone and losing myself in the process.

I'd rather keep it simple and have a (on the surface) relationship. Which means, not too many questions being asked, no stories of past relations, no meeting family especially parents, and no PDA (which is trifling) We can hangout and do all that good stuff just as friends would do without titles to complicate things. Make sense? I would think most guys would be down for my arrangement, but as you can see that's not my situation. They usually want relationships, or tell me they l-ve me and I have to leave them be.
My family have started asking me when am i going to bring someone home. Ummmmm you don't bring these guys home. I don't plan on letting my family meet anyone until Im serious with them. My niece asked me was my best friend Ashley my girlfriend. I was like Ohhh shit thats not good, she thinks I'm gay. hahaha. I just haven't taken anyone serious in almost two years. I'm young and the place that I'm at in life isn't ready for anything serious or anyone to complicate my situation.

I don't understand why people need others to define themselves, especially females. They give girls like me a bad name. Most guys think I'm automatically clingy, and going to be all girly and fall in l-ve fast. But that isn't me at all. I am guarded, one of the least emotional females you'll ever meet in life. I'm not one for PDA, holding hands, kissing for no reason, saying i l-ve you. etc. I'm super sarcastic and I'm mean as hell (so i've been told). I've never been the type to "need" a boyfriend. I never want a man to represent me.

Usually if i answer my phone after giving out my number that guy only last for 3-5 days without me being annoyed. In my personal situations the guys i talk to are thirstier then most females i know (when it comes to wanting to be in relationships.) Sometimes i wonder if I'm leading people on or passing up someone good, because of my preferences but i know I'm not. I tell the guys i don't like them like that, sometimes several times. And i cant help what i prefer. I'm not limiting myself or lowering my standards for anyone. I just want my next relationship to be with someone that can and will actually last. I'm not jumping head first into anything. So if a male cant take being my friend then he doesn't need to be with me in the first place.

Tis the season to be caking fa la la la la.. la la la la. With that said you will see me blog about relationships and wanting a new "boo" or "boyfriend" from time to time. Ignore me. I'm talking shit. Its just about to be cold out, which means no clubs and hanging out as often as I could be. So i get bored and started thinking about dumb shit like boyfriends. Don't get me wrong i have friends and silent partners just no one worth bringing surface and displaying l-ve for. When that situation presents itself and the timing is right then I will. Until then......

But this is why I'm single and will be until further notice. 85% of the time I'm perfectly happy. So don't think I'm bitter, a man hater or anything. I'm good. I just thought I'd address the situation. For now I'll continue to be a "single black female addicted to retail"

xoxo
Sincerely,
Amber

We were never meant to be baby we just happened

“When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?” Carrie Bradshaw

His smile. His soft kisses. His touch. The way he held me. His smell. His locs. His smooth skin. His accent. His hustle. His laid back persona. His sarcastic ass remarks. His goofy laugh. His intelligence. Him needing me.. me needing him. I miss his being. damn it haunts me.

I've convinced myself it was only lust. I just wish i could FREE my mind. I've moved on but no one compares to him.

We [Free & I] talked on the phone recently. Yes were friends =)
I "have a boyfriend" so i have no business thinking of him like i do still.
He talked about some chick he was fucking and i was like whoa whoa whoa buddy dont care. He's like well i thought it was coo since were friends and all.


Im friends with most ex boyfriends.. but hes different. Those scars have not yet healed. Its like scraping your knee.. it heals but i pick at it from time to time.
The mark is still there.. I can see it.. but i keep messing with the same sore.. until it bleeds and i learn my lesson again.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

And then I told him I said it's cool, get at me. And then my voice got raaaspy.

So he called. My dumb ass answered. Not on purpose though i swear. I was on the phone with one of my other male friends. I have a touch phone and my big ass cheeks always hit the end button. So without looking at the caller id [for some reason they had the same ringer] i answered it saying,
Me: "what up niiiga."
male: "huh?? nigga?"
[looking at caller id, feeling stupid but playing it off]
me: yeah nigga. i told u i was hood. lol.
Free: lol your silly. So i know u seen i called you yesterday
me: yeah. i saw it
Free: So why didnt u call me back then niiigga. i kinda missed you.
me: Either u miss me or u dont. u cant kinda miss me
Free: shut up ass hole. So why didnt u call me back
Me: i was busy dang. why u sweatin me.
Free: Shut up. So are u still coming here?
*i was supposed to go to his city this month for my bff's 21st and i mentioned it to him*
Me: yeah. [lying]
Free: oh yeah when.
Me: Two weeks.
Free: Thats coo. ugh i'll still be here.
Me: ugh where else would u be
Free: shut up. what u doin
Me: nothing laying in my bed watchin tv. its cold as shit out
Free: hell yeah here too
Me: nigga its atleast 50 there shut up
Free: yeah but thats cold to me. But im going to call u when i get off. im on break
[thinking: why are u calling me on your break]
Me: aight bye.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why why why. why did i answer.fuck shit damn fuck!!!!
And i lied to him for no apparent reason. Im not going to Miami. I'll be in Atlanta.
okay when he calls back i wont answer it.. promise!

Should of listened the first time when Eve told me that love was blind

So Free called me yesterday, Twice actually. And he texted me. I was at work so i couldn't answer or respond. I told him what time i got off. But once i was off. I played a personal tug-of-war with myself on rather i should reply. I told myself, Self "this year you cant deal with him" I've been going semi-strong. I really don't think about him unless someone else brings him up, or someone tells a story that i can relate to. But any who I didn't call him or text him back so kudos to me. (This is how i feel about him. Its an old poem i wrote when i was pissed.)

I Gotta Get Free
Failed relationships commitment issues.
I need permission for me to love you.
Labels and lies from ex lovers has got you in a frenzy.
said that’s the reason why you cant be with me.
What kind of shit is that?
Got me up stressing smoking all tweets cigarettes.
Lonely souls compatible.
karma recycling on my heart.
Id rather be lovers than strangers
but u’d rather let us stray apart
I used to love him I thought what we had was true
that’s the reason I'm always confused and don’t know what to do
Was he my lover? Technically no.
partners of love making, minds collaborate while challenging each others egos.
Cycles of indecisiveness, Medusa like hearts
Just Heavy
holding on to past failures. Now this is the result
Your peace mentality was enclosed until you met me.
Now your FREE. You said you can't breath when your without me.
don’t talk just listen cuz this is my moment of clarity

Whirlpools of emotions got me fucked up in the mind.
Should of listened the first time when Eve told me that love was blind.
So where do we go. Cuz I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere.
I'm convinced love hates me. I was never a fan of its words.
I knew one day this time would come and my heart would be cursed.
I gave it my all. Patience and my integrity
speaking all these words of pain that’s been heavy on my brain
I wish you could feel it.
See it.
Shit hear it.
I'm telling you. I fell hard although I said I wouldn't
Guess you cant control what destined to be.
..guess I was destined to get hurt and you were destined to cheat.
Needless to say. The history we once shared is now all a waste.
Cuz like Aalyiah I wonder how could the one I gave my heart to just let it break
But my cheeks will be stained from these toxic tears I cried.
You said the last thing you wanted to do was hurt me.
Check mark . task has been complete.
You hurt me soul.
you was my everything man. my personal talib kweli
i gave you everything. now I'm left with nothing.
broken dreams. empty emotions. and questions left unanswered that i have to seek
I'm left with these streaks of confusion stained on my cheeks.
I gotta get free.

If it wasn't for "HE"

Last night was one of those nights. All i wanted to do was be up under "Free"
No make up on my face, hair in a pony tail w/ my glasses on.. just laying around in his oversized tshirt and sweat pants. I just miss his smile. His sarcasm. His touch. His kiss. I miss us. its so weird for me to even speak of Fred. Sometimes when my friends and i are talking about past relationships/ failures i'll stop because i think i'm talking about him too much. He can call me and I still get those tingly butterflies in the pit of my stomach. We had that, "I did you wrong..you did me wrong, i'll take you back..you take me back" kind of relationships. But the crazy thing is it openly worked for us. I was never looking for Mr. Right (hell i'm only 21) but he was my Mr. Then. I didnt even deserve any better because i was doing the same shit he was doing (just better) because i had a slicker approach. Hell i'll take that back.. he caught me a few times caking it up with guys. I never saw him with another girl but i wasnt stupid. He left evidence around his apartment (dumb ass) But for the most part we were honest with each other. There were no lies. We didnt ask questions that we didnt want to know the answer to. We barely argued.. if we did it was because we were intoxicated at a party or something. but we would just later have make up sex and everything would be better. (haha) Love isnt my forte. But i did love him.. just wasn't in love with him. I think you can love anyone because love is merely just caring and showing affection towards another person. But being in love is something way beyond me. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically you have to make a connection with a person. I have not found that nor really looking for that right now. But i really feel that out of all the guys i "strongly liked" (only about 3 in total) he had the most potential. I miss it. That damn 4 am blues.

DAMAGED

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

So I have had the worse/ best September so far. Yeah its only the 2nd day.. But I’m 10 days closer to my birthday.. And I finally found my ex lover boy. OMG I was sooooooooo in love with him in high school. He claims it was my fault we stopped talking, but I know that was a lie… then again.. Did I realy go to Alabama and act that brand new? I know I was talking to one my of my ex boyfriends too and I all of a sudden I stopped talking to him once I went off to school. Did i really hate Indianapolis that much that I abandoned all that I knew? Did i forget where i came from?
I know I didnt just stop talking to my old lover boy because he so different. He was perfect to me. My perfect male. He is truly candy to the eye and I love his laid back persona. He is a little ruff around the edges but that gives you individuality..right? Anywho my best friend ShaMarla just happened to be in a club in all the way in Louisville, Kentucky (which she doesn’t even go to school in Louisville she goes to school in Frankfort) and just so happened to run into him. She texted me and I eagerly asked her to find him. I haven’t talked to him in about 3 years. We both change our phone numbers all the time and he keeps to himself so it was no way I could get his number any other way. So to make this story short. She found him and he got back in town from Kentucky today and called me. So of course we met up. I was so tense. Its been 3 years all I could do was anxiously ask myself ludicrous questions like, “ Did he get fat? Was he dusty? Could he possibly no longer be my lover boy.” All those questions were knocked at the park when he got out the car looking “Wine Fine“ as Lil Wayne would say! I was on cloud 9. So we started playing catch up and this guy tells me he doesn’t even reside in Indianapolis anymore, he moved. My little heart was crushed. I asked a host of questions in a row before he could come close to answer one of them. “What are you doing here? When are you leaving? Arizona? Who the hell moves to Arizona? OMG What was the point of even seeing you?” He just looked at me. Gave me this devious smile and said calm down. Basically he is here for ONE more day. Yes I repeat ONE. I am so sad. Its very bittersweet. He said he would come back and visit but that’s bull. As much as I keep talking about I need a new male friend and how I hate meeting new guys.. This was perfect timing. Well PRACTICALLY. Sometimes I wonder if I did something immoral, because this has been the most awful year ever for me in every aspect of life. It seems like I can never win no matter what I do. I know I can be a tab bit dramatic sometimes, but this is a big deal. Lol

I was talking to Ashley the other night and we were talking about how neither one us give guys a chance. She mad a great point. We both hate Indiana so bad that no matter the circumstances we will never talk to an Indiana guy just because he is from here. Sounds crazy right? But it is sadly true. I hate meeting guys from here because although Indianapolis isn’t a city -- its not a large on either. You always will know one or two mutual people. And that itself can be a turn off. If your not in school I just automatically think you have hella baggage (kids, crazy ex girlfriends, in trouble with the law) or if your working its usually not a good job. I can think of tons of excuses to not talk to guys here and all I’m doing is setting myself up to be melancholic. I feel like I’m contradicting myself sometimes though. But when you go away to school and everyone is there attempting to pursue their dreams that in itself is attractive in a weird kind of way. Its just funny the way life works. My state of happiness is no where near fulfilled. I hate being all depressed and sad but I have no choice lately. Every time I take one step in progressing I’m knocked back three more. Ugh LIFE!

HERE WE GO.. HERE WE GO AGAIN!

WARNING: RANDOM BLOGGING!

I CANT SLEEP! I never can sleep! I am seriously nocturnal. I was watching tv and saw the commercial {Lunista} for the sleeping pills. I know i cant really swallow pills but i need to learn. Im really considering sleeping pills though. Anywho. So im only blogging because my fellow (jezebel) Ashley blogged and put me in the mix. NO IM NOT IN LOVE ASHLEY!! lol Its soooo a difference from being in love and loving someone. I love him not in love with him. lol does that make sense? Well it makes sense to me. Basically its a guy from college. I kicked it with him while I was there and liked him A-LOT but were never official. (thinking of that dumb ass official girl song by cassie) But were just on good terms. This will last for about a week.. then i'll hate him again. Its really pointless talking to him. I mean we are hundreds of thousands of miles away.

Enough about him.

Im really frustrated. If one more person calls asking me to watch their kids. Babysitting was fun when i was 12 and 13. Im damn near 21. Sorry i dont have kids.. but dont expect me to do your job for you. I dont mind watching my niece because she's MY niece. But little cousins.. naw im coo. I cant be mean to my family. But i really dont wanna watch them. My cousin talking about can u come over before they go to sleep and make sure they get on the bus. Nigga how about can i get up to see them get on that sucka. My sleeping habits are off! Oh well



"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”- Buddha

If theres a soulmate for everyone,,

I have been searching high and low for this Tyler Perry song from his movie Madeas Family Reunion... the lightbulb finally went off in my head and i looked up the soundtrack ( duh Amber ) And it's called, Find myself in you by Brian Mcknight. I loooooove this song. Although i'm no where close to being in love.. its coo thinking about the what if's and possibilites. So of course I started thinking about alot of foolishness.. missing ppl that used to be in my life (males) but its a reason why they aren't there. I just took some time out and thought about a few of them and the things I could of done differently. I also thought about the lessons learned.

*off subject* I have three wonderful bestfriends Marla and The-Ashley's.
Okay Marla is the epitome of love. She loves hard and wears her emotions on her sleeve. The thing is she knows when a situation is wrong and can admit to it (which I respect) While my other two bestfriends are complete opposite. They are both very laid back and hate P.D.A. to the fullest degree. Its actually pretty funny.
One of the Ashleys hates any type of affection. She will blurt out.. "This is gay" or "Your gay" in a heartbeat. Although its a male doing these things. lol
NO OFFENSE IF ANY GAYS ARE READING. I LOVE YOU ALL
But she is just crazy like that. The other Ashley gets nervous "talking to someone she likes" in public. She said she thinks everyone is looking at her. lol
When it comes to myself.. I really don't mind the affection as long as its at an appropriate time. Kissing and cuddling aren't a big deal to me. I like chilling with the guy I like. Watch a movie and converse a little. Being mushy is okay SOMETIMES but its not anything I would want to do all the time. I'm some what in the middle of my bestfriends. I dont mind the love and affection (like Marla) but sometimes I need my space. I do not wear any type of emotion on my sleeve. I wear my armor instead. (like the- Ashleys)
I'm really not afraid of love I just think its pointless in this period of my life. Its cool to have someone around and someone to talk to but falling in love and being vunerable hmmmmmm i'll pass!

This is blog is so pointless and random. I don't even have a point. But words of advice to MALES! If a girl: talks to you, calls you often, sounds calm on the phone, laughs and giggles around you, wants to be around you, often ask where you are at, text you often.. she likes you dummy! I dont understand why guys dont realize that. If a girl didn't like you she wouldnt care and none of these things would ever occur. The point im trying to make is.. she wants a relationship. Guys if thats not your thing.. then dont run game and talk to her. Get straight to the point. If she sleeps with you even if your blunt about it then good for you. If she slaps you, hangs up on you or cusses you out then thats not the type of girl she is. Thats the reality of it.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told. Somebody tell me why I'm on my own. If theres a soulmate for everyone." -Natasha Bedingfield

I often think about us. I wish it could of been more than what it was. But I am thankful I was allowed to have you in my life, even if it was for a short amount of time. You made me happy.

torn in between the two..

..
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.” Unknown

here i go again like Trina said. Im still torn in between the two like letoya.. but im ready for love like india.. but this one may have to wait until my next lifetime like erykah.. why is it no matter how many faces i can put in his place .. one simple text message can make him seem like prince charming. he can simply text hey and i'll be on a natural high. ugh this really makes no sense what-so-ever... ughhh lord please let me get over this dude. (switch roles) i honestly think he cares.. but his head isnt in it like mine was. the funny thing is it started off that way. it was him who tried to talk to me. i wasnt feeling him. haha. i just wish i could wake up and all our memories we had together were erased. like i got amnesia and he never existed. sounds far fetched but im serious!
** random** my ex called AGAIN last night. sayin hey.. {i was sleep} he asked when can he accidently run into me again. i dont understand. we havent been together in 4 years! havent seen him in 2. he has a girlfriend and a baby. what the hell does he think we about to be. he better kick boulders.
** im mad tired today. i just wanna crawl in my bed, watch a movie and sleep. lol seriously. but its way too pretty and hot outside. sleep is the cousin of death. i gotta live.

well peace and love people until next time!