thy kingdom come.. thy will be done

my cousin died today
im not in a good mood at all
im tired of crying.
i know they say death comes in threes..BUT DAMN i just lost my uncle a week ago

i dont need any comments really. im no charity case.

just pray for my family

lifes short..tell everyone that u love that you love them.
no grudges
no regrets
carpe diem!

..am i doing something wrong?

okay so im 21
single
childless

...is there a problem??!
ALL of my cousins have kids. while they're yelling at their babies.. im the one playin with them. they dont take me serious. its like im still a child in their eyes since i am kidless. my 27 y/o cousin tells me i'll have one by next year. wdf? no offense to those with kids but is waiting to have kids some taboo? in order for us to fit in must a whining child be attached to our hips?

not a happy camper

my dumbass cousin Amber told me my cousin Le'Adrian died this morning. ummm no he didnt. So my dad comes home. i ask him about Le'Adrian he said no my Uncle Oscar died. Ummmm so i feel even better (not) He was my favorite Uncle in Detroit. I stayed with him and my Aunt Claudia everytime i went there. Im mad because I haven't been back to detroit since i was about to move there / almost got shot. (some years back) It sucks that this is why were going back.. for a funeral. I HATE funerals and hate seeing my family members cry. My grandma is going to be super depressed and i hate seeing her that way. Im so not looking forward to this trip. Not at all.

On a brighter note

My sister is now a MRS. She got married Saturday. It actually was nicer than i thought it would be. I now have 2 nephews and 2 neices too. thats crazy. but im happy for her.. better yet im happy that wedding shit is over. im free again =)

Bridezilla

So im sure my sister is going to kick me out of her wedding yet AGAIN!
i understand shes stressed and all and she wants me to be her maid of honor although i dont want to be... its just alot going on. Im saving to go to school. Im getting a new car in March.. and she wants to rush and get married in two months and expects us to drop everything. She sent out a text to her bridal party saying she wants to have a meeting on Feb. 13th. ughhh ill be out of town. [i clearly dont have a v-tine so why not go out of town and get drunk with my bros]
i dont even have my dress yet. And really dont wanna drop $100+ for it. YEAH IM SELFISH! But shit she got proposed to on New Years eve.. your getting married March 7th??? Chill out Shawty?

My question to you is What is too soon?

Why do people really text everything? I dont reply to text messages. Im lazy. so if its that important call.

She kicked her own bff out the wedding b/c she didnt have the funds. We were both maid of honors so we were splitting the cost of everything. Bridal shower wise.. now im on my lonesome.. not excited. Im supposed to have it planned for the last wknd of this month. oops i dont even have a place. i suck at stuff like this. I mean i can do more.. yeah shes my sister, yes im happy for her. but i dont want her to rush something that supposed to be forever. i told her how i felt about them "rushing" the wedding and she snapped on me. kicked me out of the wedding.. then apologized and put me back in it.. im at the point of telling her make me a bridesmaid.. i dont want the duty of being the maid of honor. if she doesnt care about us (her bridal party) why should i care about her. My life is not stopping for hers or ANYONE else.

I miss my grandmother

I felt my grandmothers presence around me this morning. When i woke up i could smell her scent. And felt a chill. I just smiled and said I love you. I was thinking of her yesterday. She died when I was 13. But she played a big roll in my life. Her death hurt me so much. I blamed myself for years. I don't want to get in the story I'll start crying while writing and i don't have time. i just put eyeliner on.

But when she first died i used to feel spirits. I remember i was about to go to sleep one night and it felt like someone was pushing my body down. I couldn't scream. I couldn't speak. I started crying. And immediately started praying and then i got free from whatever it was. I jumped up and was breathing hard. I sat up for like 20 minutes before attempting to go to sleep. Then it happened again. I started praying and it went away. I got up and put on a gospel cd and was perfectly fine. Everytime i tell people the story they all look at me like I'm nuts. But i was talking to my psychology teacher about it in high school and she said it could of been a spirit.

But like i said. I smelled her perfume. I could feel her near me. It was comforting. I miss her alot.

Bang Bang Shoot Em.

I loooooooooove Sade. [the singer] one of my favorite songs of all time is By your side. The song is so beautiful. Its calming to me. Although I dont have anyone actually by myside "boyfriend or significant other" It still feels good to me. IDK kind of weird i guess but i just love it [ im listening to it now.. im always listening to music] listen with me

AnywhoToday.. nothing really happended
My bestfriend and i have been making promises to ourselves to not eat fast food during the week. And we actually made it [ so proud of us] i need to lose some major pounds before March. So i can look cute in my dress. Oh and i need to be skintee by June {when i move to ATL} im determined!!!


I had to work my slave shift today. 3-11:30 or whenever your last call is. I work for sprint for the millioneth time {if u didnt know} And i HATEEEE IT! (*note* if your a sprint customer and you call in all the EFFIN TIME for STUPID EFFIN REASONS.. then shame on you! I cant stand your ass!!) Well today was actually fun. I kept putting my annoying customers on hold to talk to my {soon to be roommate} we clowned the entire day.. And our supervisor asked us to come over his house for a house warming {in the near future} i was like ughh im not buying u shit! {he's a young black, short fat guy who thinks he's that nigga} he was like i dont want shit from you just come and get fucked up. I was like oh liquor well im down! lol so trifilin. but i love free liquor its the best! lol but this nigga bet not try shit or i will bring out my kung-fu karate chop on his ass! lol
Oh and its this really cute guy who works with me. As my friend Salene would say, he's The "bang bang shoot em up" type lol.

Me and the roomie Salene just look and admire him all day. Tattoos everywhere, can dress and drives a bmw [helll-o $$$$] naw but i vowed to never talk to a guy i worked with again. it NEVER works out! he's just nice to look at though.
Now its Thursday night and im freakin off tomorrow and i have nothing to do!
So i guess i'll just visit my blog roll and catch up

[tmrw]
my sisters bff and i have to go and try on our freakin dresses. i dont want to because i have to wake up early when i should be sleepin in, but whatever! Oh and i know im shopping at the mall whenever were done with that! i saw theee cutest boots and i must go grab them
well im rambling.. so tootles!

xoxo Amber ---->> i miss the Jayne Dough signature<--- wasnt it so creative of me? lol.

NEGATiVE PEOPLE ARE ALL AROUND ME! (W00-SAH)

Okay so like I said before my older sister Tiffany’s boyfriend proposed to her. My sister is like the only family member I’m close to. We’re 6 years apart (age wise) but we are super close. Its funny because growing up I hated her guts!! (We have the same mom, diff pops.) But we’ve grown and have a really great relationship.

Now my senior year in high school she got pregnant out of wedlock and that’s the only thing that was a setback. She graduated from college on the deans list from college. She’s super smart and driven. But basically some things with her and the babe dad turned out ugly and he is no longer in my nieces life.

She was hooked up with her new boyfriend T.C. by her two sisters. They immediately clicked and now are about to get married. They haven’t been dating long but they love each other and that’s all that matters. Now I’m cool with the marriage thing because I want her to be married. But she told me they are trying to get married on March 7th.

Ummm hello that’s like tomorrow. I was like well why are you getting married so soon, you should wait and save some money so the wedding wont be rushed. She snapped. I was like I wasn’t saying it for you to get upset. Im sorry but its just my personal opinion. So I called my mom is the most negative person that I know. She of course was hating (I think its jealousy) but she started talking like she didn’t like T.C. *note this woman stays in his face, now all of a sudden she don’t like him* I rushed her off the phone because she was pissing me off. 45 mins later my moms is calling back. I answer, but its my auntie. * I don’t fuck w/ her side of the family at all because they will all use u until you cant be used anymore.* heres the convo

Me: Hello
(annoying talking in the background)
Me: Hellllo
Auntie: Oh hi Amber. Happy New years.
(me thinking did she get the memo late? New Years was 2 days ago.)
Me: Happy New Years. Whats up?
Auntie: dang just saying happy new years. What did you do?
(me thinking yeah right)
Me: okay and I said it back. But I got drunk.
Auntie: You were drunk? Wow. Who you get drunk with?
Me: my friends.
Auntie: (laughing: mocking me “my friends” haha you sound like a white girl. Well I was just calling to get your opinion about the wedding.
Me: (irritated) What u mean my opinion? Its not my wedding, and if my sister is happy then there’s no comments needed. Who cares be happy for her.
Auntie: I was just seeing what u thought.
Me: Well I told my mother she should wait a little longer so it wont be rushed but other than that its nothing to say. Im happy for her and she’s going to do what she wants to do.
Auntie: Oh do you like him?
Me: Ugh yeah. Why?
( I guess she thought I said what do you think b/c she started rambling)
Auntie: Well I think its too soon, and we don’t know anything about him. I don’t want her to make a mistake. It does seem pretty soon. I was telling her mom the other night I had a dream she told me she was getting married and your mom just told me she is. So it kind of scared me. I don’t know though.
Me: What are you talking about? Who cares?
Auntie: okay Amber well u sound like you don’t want to talk so I love you and ill talk to you later.
Me: buhbye

My family is so negative and jealous. I hate them. They are so judgmental yet don’t have any fucking room to judge a soul. That’s why I keep to myself. I hate telling my mom anything b/c she immediately tells someone. Stupid ass. I hate family sometimes. I hate that I have no choice but to deal with them.

You got me going in circles

So im about to be 21 like real soon. You dont understand how excited i am. i celebrated my 20th birthday like i was 21!! dont know how im going to possibly top it.. but im sure i will! With that said.. i've been thinking about the past year. its been hooooooooooorrible!

FRIENDS i've lost two of my closest friends over some bullcrap. i really miss them alot from time to time but im over it. i've learned friends come and go like seasons (in my case they do) Im not as close to some of my high school bff's like that anymore either. After going away to college i realized how much we really changed and were holding onto only because of the years. Dont get me wrong i still love them with all my heart and will do anything for them.. but being close with them means nothing to me anymore. sorry.

• RELATIONSHIPS - another year of being free.. better terms SINGLE! lol its not that big of a deal. Being single is cool sometimes but im definitely getting bored with it. So dont be surprised if i dont pop up with a boyfriend anytime soon.



• FAMILY - im extremely close to my sister. I actually go to family functions now too. I have a HUGE family and they weren't accepting some of my decisions that i've been making lately so i was straying away from them. I've been coming around lately but alot of them are still on my shit list.



• School. (ugh) dont even wanna talk about it. All i can say is ..CAN A SISTA PLEASE GET A CO-SIGNER! SHEESH!



• FINANCE.. im stable. im taking trips like every month until the year is out. AUG -Chi SEPT-ATL OCT-? T.B.A. NOV.-MIAMI DEC. - LA JAN-VEGAS BABY! Seems like alot. Well it is. But hey i dont have any kids, no responsibilites.. so this is what im supposed to be doing.



• Blog: very successful. [http://www.the-jezebels.blogspot.com/] Ashley and I have been trying to get this thing together for months and we finally got the hang of it. We find out new things everyday and are continuosly nit picking things. Its so good and im so proud of us both.

With that said. I hope this year (my 21st) brings me alot of happiness. Although happiness is a state of mind. I really hope things go into a positive light. I hope I am continued to be around those that feed off positive energy and i am able to accomplish more of my many goals i have set out for myself. Peace and Blessings Loves!

DOWN AND OUT

I am officially bummed out.

I just want to crawl in a ball in die.

I may not be able to go back to school because no one will effin co-sign for my loan.

I can not believe my uncle, who is a effin superintendent for a township school will NOT co-sign.

He had to audacity to call himself going off on me.. asking why am i calling? and what do i want? EFF HIM!! He's dead to me. Seriously. I dont need that man to help me. Eff everyone.

karma's a bitch. if i cant go to school.. im going to be in a great deal of depression. i've been thinking about family members that i could go move with.

i texted my aunt who lives in california.. maybe i'll try that out for a month or so.

im just stressed and everyone here is making it seem like everything is cooo. its soooo not!

so i really dont wanna be here. its nothing here for me. No one here. whats the point of life?

like seriously. i refuse to work a 9 to 5.. for no reason. pray for me. if you've never prayed before please try to pray for me now. im not the most spriritual person but i really need some strength to get through this.

bitter sweet.

i have exactly 2 weeks from today when i depart. sad to say im not excited at all. i mean i feel like i have a second chance and i can do things differently this time. but i already hella ppl bout to say im "fake" now. who really cares. i dont wanna be back in alabama but then again its better then being home. its sooooo much going on. but im not the type to complain i deal with it. i mean its thousands of ppl who have it worse then me. i am growing up. i guess i have to just do everything on my own now. i hate asking ppl for stuff anyways. i swear i cant wait till i make it. so i can look back on this day and laugh.

im going to miss my sister, niece and three bestfriends the-ashleys and shamarla. life would be so dull without them. ..its focus/ grind time.

i'm coooo

weekend wrap up.

Thurs.

• went to the ultra ice lounge with Ashley-Ashley. and her dad. haha. sounds crazy but her pops is mad coo. & he got some drank... and it was reggae night. if u didnt know i [heart ] reggae music and the culture in general sooo i had fun. i dont think Ashley Ashley was feelin it tho. but it was coooo.
  
  

Friday.

• the 4th. okay. the day started out all yucky. our family effin cancelled the cookout. so i went to the mall with Ashley-Ashley and was lookin 4 sum shoes to wear for the night. our dumb asses didnt know the malls closed early so we just downtown shoppin and smilin like wow its not crowded at all. not knowing we had like 7 minutes until it closed.
  
• saw my cousin robyn there. her bad ass son is chasing me around the stores with "poppers, snappers" and is throwing them at me. it was funny.. UNTIL his ass broke my necklace.
  
• the is my first year not going downtown with my family to watch the fireworks. corny but its just something we do. so it was kinda sad.
• went over ashley-ashleys grandparents house.. grubbed. lite up our own fireworks. did some karokee :] and we were supposed to go out. didnt though. loooong story. kicked it with my bro reggis.. chatted it up and watched my fav. movie love jones. end of nite.
  

Saturday.

• my dad oh annoying self woke me up at like 10 talking about get up were going to the park. family time. ughhh nigga please. i dont do parks. insects flying. sun blazin. ughh not feelin it. so i rolled over and went back to sleep.
  
• went over my cousin whitleys.
• went to the park w/ my fam. it was good to see everyone. it was a mini fam reunion. all my fam from detroit came down. [except my fav. shannon. ughh] didnt eat. was being wayyy to sociable.
  
• went to texas rd house. saw jenny, jesse, shawna and sarah l... those were my girlies.
• went out. broadripple is coooo. bleeker street was coooo too. just hot as hell. [partied with my cousins, ashley, the boys bbh, oh clinton oh fake ass too] left the club. being sociable. i actually gave my REAL number out. kudos to me. lol
• lol to. the guy almost gettin ran over by a car just to cross the street and attempt to spit game at me , lol to my street corner cooooo ass friend from england, lol to adam & the crew not being able to get in the club "fake id cant get in the club lookin ass" over all it was a fun filled wknd full of laughter, family, friends, and eats. cant get no betta!
  
• end of the wknd results. almost got shot ridin down 38th street. saw some dude get jumped. so sad but atleast they werent shootin. nap is crazzzy
  

Sunday.

• seriously planned on going to church. i seriously slept in until 3 pm. toooo trifilin. but thats the way it goes when try to live this party/ single life.
  
• went to my little baby cousin blakes b.day party. day 2 with the fam. had fun
• currently chillin with my bestfriend ashley. sad shes leaving tomorrow. its bittersweet. i feel like the summers over now =[ .. well it damn near is
• thats my weekend folks.
  

saw-wee

i am obviously slippin. i been busy doing other things and haven't taken the time out to blog.. my bad!!!!

soo much to say.. i have like 8 minutes to write.. soo ill make key points

• im going back to alabama a&M. im like 70% certain.. a bunch of b.s. but oh well.
• half of me want to meet new ppl. alabama was good while it lasted, but i hate being a quitter.
  
• new car.. uh oh.. a little geeked too. my dad said i can get a new car. so now im car shopping
  
• roomies w/ kia? hopefully yes! i was debating between spruce and kia. but spruce had other plans so whatever.
  
• holding grudges?? im over it.. so YOU need to just let it be. what is there to talk about? you were a good friend but i know u can never forgive me so dont front and pretend you can.
  
• im going nuts without talking to my bestfriend Ashley W. she understands me the most. keep ya head up love.
• crushin.. uhhhh he is just sooo fine and seems so right.. lol too bad he is in another state. shhhhhit!
  
• seeing sounds by nerd pushin it cd it great. plies okay.. i havent heard all of wayne yet. heard bad reviews though.

am i cinderella or what?

Carpe Diem!

im currently at work. im so ready to go home. this has been a long effin day.. so far! im so pissed too. yesterday my dad randomly told me he was going to nyc. okkay why on earth would they not ask me to go. (they = him and his ugly fiance) And he wonders why i act so distant. i really feel like he has no true meaning in my life except the fact he puts a roof over my head. i really dont have to live with him but they only reason i do is because im the only one who actually does LIVE there. i may sound like a little brat.. but im hurt. okay most of there trips are to stupid places.. saint louis, chicago, detroit, gambling boats (places i've been too 1000 times or dont care to go to.) but NEW YORK?!?! Like come on dude. Thats the top 5 places to go... im majoring in fashion! ugh im pissed.. enough venting about that!

Nothing special has really happened in the last 24 hours. lol so i shall return.

*bumpin that solange* its kinda coo. i can dig it.

go check out http://www.thefierceandfly.blogspot.com/!! its hot =)