Bright Days, Dark nights

I lost my job. This has been the hardest time of my life emotionally, financially and physically. I have been so depressed lately and I thank my sister and friends for their encouraging words. Alot of people don't know but when I was younger I attempted suicide. I wrote a letter and took a bunch of medication. Nothing happened. I remember crying and feeling like a failure because I couldn't even do that right. I kept my letter as a reminder to never stoop so low. I was going through papers and throwing them away and recently came across it. So many emotions ran through my head and I broke down completely.  As bad as it is, i know it could be worse and I have a lot to be thankful for. I now know that.
 My 18 year old cousin who I'm very close to attempted suicide last Saturday and it broke my heart. I always tried to be there for her but she felt like no one was there for her. I understand though. Sometimes you can have smiling faces all around you and still feel alone. I've been there  too many times. I have learned and grown a solid relationship with God and I know that everything I go through is a life lesson and I will soon see brighter days.

  Alot of people have recently been reaching out to me saying I'm MIA. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed that I lost my job. I can't do the things I used to with a restriction on cash. No clubs, bottle poppin, splurging on bullshit, taking vacations.. none of that. I build this wall around me and have kept everyone out, when these are the times that I need those people more than ever. I've been feeling lonely alot lately. Those people who I thought had my back no matter what, don't. I guess something as simple as losing my job my eyes to the bullshit around me. Like the old saying goes when your on top everyone is in your face smiling, but when you hit the bottom no one is there.

 That's how I feel. No need for anyones sympathy. I don't need any pitty parties or anyone feeling bad for me. I know it will get better in time. I'm learning the importance of stocks and bonds and managing my money instead of splurging on frivolous things that have no value. I'm only 23 but I swear I have learned alot about myself and those around me. I'm still evolving.